Silver Moons
by kattykitty
Summary: Werewolf, human, teenager. During Sixth Year at Hogwarts with the Marauders, Remus Lupin begins to discover the wants and desires of the werewolf inside him. Whilst trying to be the same old Moony, he must face the reality of who and what he is. Remus/Sirius with a dash of Remus/Lily thrown in for good measure. Don't judge 'til you've tasted! CHAPTER 7 and 8 UP!
1. The Terrible Foursome

**A/N:** **I do not own, nor have ever owned, Harry Potter or any of its characters (much to my chagrin). I do, however, own the storyline (though not the ideology; love to whoever first thought "ooh, Remus/Sirius slash…") and lots of other things. Rated "M" for language, sexual circumstances, and maybe other things once I get going. Enjoy, my little Remus/Sirius shippers!**

Chapter One

The first thing the sixteen year old acknowledged when he awoke was that it was _cold_. Not your run-of-the-mill, misty-breath, extra-layer cold – oh no. It was blindingly, groaningly, snuggle-back-underneath-frosty-blankets cold, and nothing he could do seemed to eliminate that hideous desire to set fire to his mattress simply for the warmth he craved.

Shuffling slightly so that the covers sheltered the tip of his nose, he shut his eyes once more and quite happily allowed himself to think that he had the rest of the morning to laze in bed, contemplating the fact that everyone else had to get up and go to lessons, whilst _he_, Remus Lupin, could spend as long as he wanted in the warm confinement of the 3 blankets draped over him. He couldn't quite tell what the time was, but by the way that the sunlight was streaming through the gap in the curtains of the Hospital Wing, he was pretty sure that it was at least 9am; this meant he had at least 2 hours until the Marauders insisted that Madame Rochelle let them in to see him. He smiled slightly to himself. Two whole hours…

"Moony! Moony you lazy git, we know you're in there!"

"Yeah Remus, let us in! Why's the door locked? Are you being a naughty boy?"

A snort followed this remark, as the familiar voices outside of the door came closer and louder. Remus groaned inwardly – so much for two hours! It was apparent from the rumpus outside that James Potter, Sirius Black and Peter Pettigrew had decided it was best (in the interest of their friend's health, of course) that they were to skip lessons and invade his napping time instead. This was a familiar story; Remus, sixteen going on thirty, was a werewolf, bitten as a young child by the infamously grotesque Fenrir Greyback. This left him in a rather vulnerable position after transformations, and generally had to take a day or two off in the hospital wing to regain strength after having a rather violent reaction to the change; it was normal occurrence for his best friends' to come and visit him when he was supposed to be "recuperating".

Remus sighed once again as someone, most probably Sirius, kicked the door in an effort to get in.

"Naughty boy or not, we're coming in Moony! Put it back in your pants and we'll pretend we don't know what you're up to!"

There was another kick, harder this time, a kick that pulled an irritated Madame Rochelle from her office with a frown. Her small eyes narrowed as she looked over at Lupin, who tried to keep his face carefully nonchalant as she marched over to the door and unlocked it silently with a flick of her wand. The door opened to reveal Sirius at the front, leg bent at the knee and preparing for another blow to the poor, defenceless door, James on his right standing slightly back, holding what could only be the Marauders map, and Peter looking slightly sheepish on Sirius's left. Each of them had bright pink cheeks from being outside, wearing their Gryffindor scarves tightly around their necks and wearing their heavy winter cloaks over their robes. Remus couldn't help but grin.

"Why, Mademoiselle Rochelle!" Sirius proclaimed, eyes widening in apparent delight at the sight before him (a very annoyed, overweight woman in beige, towel-like robes), "what a pleasure! I _do_ hope we didn't wake you...?"

"Mr. Black, I do believe that you're quite aware that though I wasn't asleep, I am not pleased to be disturbed so rambunctiously in the morning," she replied imperiously, raising her eyebrow at him as he bowed slightly at her answer. "And I also believe that you are aware that my name is not, as you so often 'mistake' it, Mademoiselle – it is Madam, no more, no less."

Sirius smiled widely at her, exposing pearly white teeth and slight dimples as he did so. Few women could resist that smile. "Certainly no less. Would it be all right, perhaps, if we were to come in and visit Remus? We know how lonely he gets, and would hate to leave him here _all_ on his own -"

" – though I'm quite sure Mr. Lupin would do well to have a few more hours sleep -" Remus silently agreed with her, but would not in any circumstances admit this to his friends, " – I will grant you permission to visit him for half an hour. Permitted that you don't try and set fire to the curtains this time, Mr. Potter," she continued, casting a look over Sirius's shoulder at James, who had the decency to look slightly ashamed. "And provided that there is no use of wands."

James, stepping forward, looked imploringly out of glittering hazel eyes. Remus allowed himself a small smile – he'd seen _that_ smile before.

"Ah, Madame Rochelle, surely you don't expect us to stay tee-total? We need to teach him a few things from Charms yesterday -"

" – just as I need to see a note of permission from whichever Professor you have right now. Do you really wish to play this game, Mr. Potter?"

A few moments silence greeted this question, before he grinned at her.

"Well… when you say it like that, I can hardly argue, can I?"

She half-smiled back. "No Mr. Potter, you can't. Half an hour." Turning away, she walked back to her office and shut the door – she was all right really, Rochelle. Better than a certain Professor Rushmore, their bitchy Herbology Professor, hated by the general public of Hogwarts.

Remus watched wearily as James and Sirius wandered in, Peter following them with a little smile and wave. He really wasn't prepared for company of any kind – but still, he couldn't really complain. He was lucky to have friends like these: clever, black-haired James with a sparkle in his eye that made you feel glad to be included; handsome, cheeky Sirius with that smile that melted every girl's heart within a 2 mile radius, one of the most popular students at school; and Peter, quiet, generous little Peter who only wished to please and did all he could to stay your friend. Five years ago, he was lucky to be spoken to by anyone. He had been a hermit of a boy, terrified of letting anyone see into those grey eyes tainted by a horrific past… he had no pride and no real reason to make friends. Who would have wanted to be friends with him anyway? He had been plain and boring, no particular talent and a habit of disappearing once a month – a friend who offered nothing but unanswered questions. It wasn't until his second year, when James and Peter had approached him with hands to shake, smiles to share – and an understanding of what he was, who he was – that he truly had friends. Sirius had been slightly more hesitant, it seemed. He was already in a group with James and Peter, and seemed a little put out that someone else was joining them – someone who, in his opinion, wasn't really worth his time.

That had changed, however. Somehow Remus had won him over, and Remus (though he tried not to pick favourites) would say, if tortured to answer, that Sirius was his closest friend. He was a very fair friend, he knew that; he was equally close to them all, and spoke to them all the same amount – it was just that he and Sirius seemed to compliment each other. Brash, good-looking, witty Sirius and quiet, plain, good-natured Remus.

Now, they were grouped as a four, stronger together. That was the way it had always been since he could remember; he was truly lucky to have such friends as these.

"So Remus," Sirius interrupted his thoughts loudly, a cheeky grin on his face. "You got yourself tidied up pretty quickly, huh? I wasn't expecting to get in for at least another two minutes."

"Ah, leave him alone Padfoot," James protested lazily, flicking his wand so that the water jug next to Remus began to quiver. "You're just jealous 'cos he can keep it in his pants for longer than you."

"Why would that make me jealous?" was the reply, a wicked grin appearing as Sirius winked at them, "I wouldn't want to be as frigid as Remus!"

"Hey!" Remus interjected, sitting up and reaching over for the quivering water jug and trying to remove it from the charm. Dryness had begun to prickle the back of his throat. "I'm not frigid. I just think -"

"- sex is not a way of getting acquainted with someone, yeah yeah," Sirius finished for him. "We know. Anyway, what are you doing in here? We thought you'd be out by now."

James lifted the charm from the jug, allowing Remus to lift it and pour himself a glass of the ice-cold water. Peter clumsily conjured a glass with his wand and eagerly held it out for Remus to pour him one; he rewarded his tired friend with a pleased smile. It still seemed to shock Wormtail that he actually had friends – much as it did Remus.

"Are you all right?" Peter asked anxiously, peering at him from the rim of his glass. "You look thinner than last week."

"Yeah, Remus, what are you, anorexic?" James mocked Peter's consideration, rolling his eyes towards the ceiling. "I mean, Christ, have you lost half a pound?"

"Quick Peter, feed him whatever you've been eating!" Sirius said nastily, using the same tone he used for Snape, a boy that the Marauders (disregarding Moony; he had always been very neutral towards him) for Peter. He was often quite cruel to Peter, regardless to the fact that Peter did absolutely nothing wrong. Perhaps that was what annoyed him… Peter was always very careful not to annoy them, and in the process, annoyed the hell out of them. "Let's see if he can put on 8 pounds in a week like you did last week!"

Peter crossed his arms across his body self consciously, pale blue eyes defensive.

"It wasn't 13 pounds, it was 5. Besides, that isn't important," he spluttered, shaking his head slightly. "I really mean it, Moony, you look really ill, cuts and bruises all over your face." He leant forward, looking at his friend in wonder as if he was an interesting sort of animal. "Was it really bad this time?"

The other two, seeing a point to his words, turned to gaze at Remus. It was true, and he knew it; he was covered in cuts from his most recent transformation – he had known it would be a violent one this month, he could always tell, and had warned his friends away from coming with him. He couldn't remember much of it; the most he remembered was throwing himself against the bed that sat in there, hitting his head on the bed frame, blood seeping from the wound. It had been a superficial wound as Madame Rochelle had informed him, but it still bloody hurt. He automatically reached up to touch it, hissing slightly as he felt the sting of it from the contact with his fingertips. He let his hand drop to his side, suddenly feeling extremely aware of the attention he was getting from his friends.

"Guys, come on," he pleaded gently, looking at them each in turn, but looking away quickly – eye contact was not something he was accustomed to. "I'm not an animal."

"That's not what I've been hearing," Sirius commented with a wink, folding his arms across his chest. Remus blinked, looking at him suspiciously. Sirius made comments like this often, to see how much he could get out of his friends with minimal effort for his enjoyment. Was it another stupid remark? _It must be_, he mused, narrowing his eyes at his friend. _He has nowhere to hear that from_.

"What?" he protested feebly, unsure of where this was heading. "Have you been listening to Harriet Harsham again? You _know_ she's lying, we only ever kis-"

"-you really think we'd listen to that moose?" James cut in, shaking his head, looking disappointed. "Really, Remus, you'd think you'd have more faith in us. Tut tut."

"Yeah, Remus. We've been listening to a _much_ more reliable source," Sirius continued, looking as if he were thoroughly enjoying himself. Remus deciphered that it was because it was usually _his_ sex life they were discussing rather than anyone else's – most definitely it was _never_ Remus's. It was a well known fact that Remus never EVER kissed and told. "But don't worry; we won't talk about that now. You're ill, you need rest -"

"Should've thought of that before you all came barging in here whilst I was quite happily hiding from the cold," Remus replied irritably, pulling his blankets up a little to make his point. "And you can't just do that, you have to tell me who's been telling you what. It's a lie, whatever it is."

Peter suddenly flushed bright red, his eyes widening as he looked from James to Sirius. It was clear that he had just figured out what they were talking about, and was _desperate_ for them to shut up. His eyes flitted to Remus, who was looking at him, confused, which only made him flush even brighter.

"James, Sirius, let's, umm, leave Remus alone now. Don't you think he's tired? I think we should, err, go."

His voice was just less than a squeak; were James and Sirius not so focused upon enjoying Remus's uncomfortable confusion, they would have definitely mocked him heavily. Their eyes, however, were focused upon Remus, whose cheeks had begun to flush despite him having no idea what they were talking about.

"No, no, the party's only just getting started!" Sirius crowed, leaping onto the end of Moony's bed. "But like I said, this isn't a conversation for now – nope!" he held up his hand to ward off Remus and his protest, "I will NOT allow interruptions. Let's, instead, discuss MY latest gossip!"

Remus raised his eyebrow, reaching up to brush away a lock of his pale brown hair from his eye. "You have gossip? I've been away for two nights and you have _gossip_? You complete and utter _woman_, Sirius."

"But I beg to differ," Sirius replied quickly, a devious smile appearing on his handsome face. Remus, despite feeling a little irritated at his friend for deliberately annoying him, couldn't help but smile at the look on his friend's face. He had likened it to a little boy who had just done something very naughty, and it was extremely endearing. "I am quite the man, my dear friend, and I have two reasons why. Number one," he touched one of his fingers, "I am officially shagging Grace Raymond, Ravenclaw Virgin-Extraordinaire. And number two," he held a second finger, "I managed to give her seven, yes, that magical number seven, earth shattering orgasms in the space of three hours." He grinned. He was clearly pleased with himself, and though Remus wanted to congratulate this cheeky looking boy, he was secretly annoyed at him for bragging about it. His face obviously said as much, as Sirius reached over and patted him on the shoulder.

"Hey, don't look at me like that, you know you actually want to hear every little detail," he teased lightly, winking again. "And if it makes you feel any better, it wasn't on your bed." He cast a side glance over to James. "It was James's."

"Awww, Sirius," James groaned, running his fingers through his untidy black hair. "I don't care who you shag, really, but I really _do_ care if you do it on my bed. I was meant to be studying with Lily tonight, remember?"

Sirius grinned. "Don't have a cow, James. It's not like she returned the favour on yours." His eyes now slid to watch Peter squirm, having already figured out where this was heading. "I saved that treat for Peter."

"Don't," Peter moaned, covering his eyes. "That's disgusting, Sirius. Can't you take your conquests into her dorm?"

"No can do," was the reply as Sirius looked sheepishly at all of them, his grey eyes a little ashamed. "McGonagall caught me there the other day. She's bloody put a spell on the stairs so that no male or phallus-bearing creature can go up there."

"So that's how many girls now, Padfoot?" James asked, flopping onto the bed opposite Remus's. Sirius grinned, shrugging.

"I dunno… four, five?" At everyone's surprised expressions, Sirius raised his hands in protest. "Hey, hey, you just expect me to shag everything that moves? I pick and choose, pick and choose."

"Well no offence, Sirius, but I don't really want to listen to your latest conquests right now," Remus said, trying to inject a hint of apology into his tone. He wasn't sure why it bothered him so much; recently he and Sirius seemed to have drifted apart, round about the same time that Sirius had begun to discover the delight that was _girls_. Remus figured that when Sirius was ready to talk about something _other_ than his latest sex objects he would. He only hoped it would be sooner than later. Maybe if he himself had actually had sex, he could actually relate to his friend and talk to him about it – but he hadn't. He was as virgin as Grace had been the day before, and didn't think that would change anytime soon. Not that it bothered him. Better to wait for someone he really liked. "Maybe later, though, when I'm not so prone to exhaustion," he added, smiling weakly to show there was no animosity. "So what's this about you and Lily, James? She's finally agreed to spend some time with you on her own?"

"Yep," James answered happily, eyes sparkling at the mere mention of the redheads name. "Study buddies for the next four weeks, Tuesdays and Thursdays. And guess what?" Moony shrugged, reaching for his wand and summoning a liquorice wand from the pocket of his robes that hung over a chair by his bed. "_She_ asked _me._ Can you believe it? I've been pursuing this girl for years and when we finally spend some time alone, it's her that wants to spend it with me!"

It was moments like this when Remus couldn't help but adore James; it had been his honesty and determination that had made him such an attractive friend to begin with, and he had never changed. Now, seeing him lazing on the bed with such a victorious, happy look on his face made all those years of moaning and longing completely worth it. He smiled.

"Well, just promise us that when the time comes, you'll use protection," Sirius warned, though they all knew that James had slept with one other girl already – Jenna Thorwood from their own house, the year above them. A particularly confident redhead, it was obvious that he had gone out with her simply because she reminded him of Lily. "And if you knock her up first time -"

"That is _quite_ enough Mr. Black!" a shrill voice interrupted them, as Madame Rochelle stood in the doorway of her office. It wasn't clear how long she had been standing there, but by the flush in her cheeks, it could have been for at least five minutes. "I would think that with the state that Mr. Lupin is in, you'd at least speak with better taste than usual!"

"I taste just fine," Sirius replied, looking over at Remus and winking. Apparently his wink was in full throttle today. "But you're right. We'd best be going anyway, ma chérie," he continued, focusing his attention directly on Remus. "Will we see you later on today?"

Remus glanced at Madame Rochelle, who nodded curtly.

"I'll spend the rest of the day in the dorm," he said after some thought. "Don't worry about coming up to meet me before Lunch, I won't be hungry."

The other three Marauders stood, each of them patting their friend on the shoulder. Peter almost looked as if he were about to hug Remus, but though better of it as James and Sirius walked out of the door, calling "bye Moony" as they exited – Remus gave him an extra smile, before snuggling back under his blankets a little. It was still devastatingly cold. Madame Rochelle looked down at him with a small smile on her face.

"Despite Mr. Black being a complete rogue, they're nice boys," she said, patting him on the shoulder the same way that his friends had. "Dumbledore reckons they'd fall apart without you though. Must say, I quite agree. You're quite the neutralist!"

Lupin smiled faintly, thinking not for the first time that Dumbledore had it completely wrong.


	2. The Pleasure Factor

**Thank you to everyone who reviewed so soon! ****Here's the 2****nd**** Chapter… as per usual, I own nothing but the storyline.**

Chapter Two

The boys did as Remus had asked – they didn't bother coming up at Lunch to see him, nor did he see them before lessons. It wasn't until about half past five when they eventually came to the dorm, and by this point, Remus had already caught up with half of the work he had missed. This had been his promise to Dumbledore: if he took time out to recover, he must catch up with the missing work as soon as he could. Remus liked and respected Dumbledore. He didn't want to disappoint him.

Hearing the thunder of footsteps, he rubbed his eyes hard, trying to get rid of the aching tiredness that crept through his body. He loved his friends, but they never seemed to grasp just how exhausting a transformation was. Yes, they were Animagi, and yes, they had been selfless enough to spend as much time as possible becoming said Animagi just for him… but sometimes it was nice just to spend some time alone and recover in his own space. This thought lingered with him as both Sirius and Peter burst into the room, big grins on their faces. Peter sat gingerly on the edge of his bed, reaching out a hand and lightly touching Remus's shoulder in an affectionate gesture, whilst Sirius flopped down beside him and leaned over the werewolf's shoulder.

"Whatcha writing?" he asked, his brown eyes glittering inquisitively as they scrutinised the parchment. "Oh god, Moon, you're not doing your essays already? They're not due for at least another week!"

Remus didn't bother to glance at Sirius, continuing to write slowly, trying not to smudge the previous sentence with his wrist. "Be that as it may, Sirius, I don't want to do anything to annoy anyone. I want to at least be able to keep up with everyone else in class – surely you can understand that?"

"Course not," was the bright, teasing reply as Sirius rolled over onto his back, arms stretched out – one lay lazily across Remus's back. Trying to ignore the new pressure on him, Remus sighed as Sirius continued talking. "I'm naturally gifted in just about everything."

"This isn't about Professor Dumbledore again, is it?" Peter inquired gently, leaning back slightly as if regretting his question and expecting to be punched in the face for even speaking. Remus smiled tiredly at him, shaking his head.

"As much as I want to show him it _wasn't_ a mistake to let me come here, it's not just about that. You know what I mean, Peter, don't you?" He extended his smile, making it warmer to show his friend that he wasn't questioning Peter's magical ability. "I mean, remember when you had the flu and couldn't concentrate on your work? You got so worried that Professor Slughorn was going to disembowel you just because you hadn't managed to get in_ one_ essay…"

Peter nodded slowly, before letting a grin escape.

"You're right. And he _did_ give me a detention…"

"That's because you sneezed into his _Felix Felices_ and ruined it, Wormtail," Sirius snorted, hitting Peter on the back of the head. "Can you blame him? Those were some _huge_ bogies -"

"Enough now," Remus interrupted, sounding irritable against his will. Peter looked slightly worried at this reaction and wandered over to his own bed, pulling out "Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them" and beginning to read it. Sirius, however, turned his head so that he was facing Remus, amusement sparkling in his eyes. He grinned and lifted his wand, pushing aside the pale brown hair that had fallen into his friend's eyes, playfully whacking it back and forward. He couldn't fail to notice the slight twitch of Remus's head, but chose to ignore it.

"What's bitten your ass? Other than Fenrir Greyback," he teased, lowering his wand and instead rolling onto his side, resting his head on his hand. He didn't miss the slight smile that flickered across his friend's face - nor could he ignore the smugness that raced through his veins at this reaction. Had it been any other friend, Remus would certainly have said in that dangerously quiet voice to not mention or use that werewolf's name in his presence, particularly in joke form. Sirius, however, could get away with it. Somehow. "Since when are you so tetchy after a transformation? It's 'cos we weren't there, isn't it? You missed us over the last few days, Moony?"

Giving up on peace and quiet, Remus slammed "101 Magical Uses of Herbs and Fungi" shut and shifted it so it fell to the floor with a dull _thump_. He rolled over onto his back and stared up at the domed ceiling, hands joined and providing a slight cushioning to his head as he let his mind wander.

He didn't want to answer. As much as he hated to admit it, spending time away from the Marauders made him feel neglected and out of sorts, feeling as if he had missed a million and one private jokes due to his absence. This was obviously one of the things that his parents had meant when they had said "being a werewolf is going to alter any relationship you ever have, friendship or otherwise… it's not going to be as easy as you'll want it to be". He hated his violent transformations, he hated the days before it, knowing he was about to be away from his friends, too worried that them being there would cause them pain - ultimately inflicted by him.

There were other negative aspects too, though some were far more recent. Since he had returned to Hogwarts 3 months ago (it was now December), he had found that when it was within two days of full moon, he… well, he faced a 'growing' problem that refused to disappear unless _forced_ to. A problem that he had never really encountered before – it seemed like something that would happen to Sirius more than himself… an _arousal_ of sorts. It wasn't just a groin-focused arousal either – he found that small things would cause his heart to race and desire to grow; gentle touches, being too close to another person, someone leaning towards him and whispering something in his ear – all perfectly innocent things that his body took _way_ too seriously. He had found, however, that spending time with the Marauders and focusing his energy on being with them was the ultimate cure of this new development – if, of course, a bathroom was not to hand. Apparently James, Sirius and Peter were the ultimate erection defeater, and Remus was not going to question it. If his friends were the ones that would save him from this new, embarrassing problem, he would not complain.

Nor, under any circumstances, would he mention it.

Feeling his mind wander completely off topic, he forced himself to open his eyes (which at some point had fluttered closed) – and found James's face floating directly above his, grinning like a madman.

"Welcome back, Remus!" James exclaimed, ruffling his hair and tickling him. "We missed you… did you miss us?"

Sirius was now sitting up, hair tousled and unkempt. "I _tried_ asking him that earlier, but he practically fell asleep! What's a guy gotta do to keep someone's attention around here?"

"Apparently sleep with them," Peter quipped. There was silence in the room. There was a strange, tense atmosphere as it slowly sunk in: _Peter had_ _made a joke_. There was no denying it, no ignoring it – Peter had made a joke, and soon everyone was throwing pillows at him, and James made a show of throwing himself onto Peter's bed and ruffling his hair madly.

"You made a joke, Wormtail!" James roared, laughing as Peter's face went bright pink with shock and surprise. "Look, I'm smiling at you – and not 'cos you're an arse!"

Sirius too was looking slightly surprised, an eyebrow raised. Remus had the overwhelming urge to force it back down.

"My god, Wormtail," he said in slightly hushed tones, shaking his head disbelievingly. "You used my sex life as a joke… I have to admit, I'm impressed – in fact, you know what? I won't tease you for a whole day just because you did a funny."

Peter couldn't seem to contain his delight; he grinned, his face reddening even more so as both Sirius and James clapped him on the back – his pleasure at being one of the funny ones for mere seconds was enjoyable to see, and Remus couldn't help but smile at his friend. It wasn't often that Peter was gifted with a slap on the back, and he was making the most of it. Remus allowed his attention to rest on Peter for a few moments longer, before sat up and shook his head.

"In answer to your question, Padfoot, Prongs – I'm sure that if Wolfy inside of me had been willing to feel any emotion other than 'grr' that yes, I would have missed you. Though let's be honest, two days doesn't make a lot of difference, does it?"

He was lying; of course he had missed them. He wasn't about to inflate their overlarge ego's, however – instead, he would take them down a peg or two as they deserved. He laughed as Prongs shrugged, nonchalant, and Sirius leapt back onto the bed and pushed Remus so he fell onto his back.

"Suit yourself, Moony," the dark haired boy said lightly, pinning him down by the shoulders. "So you won't mind if next time we don't come along?"

Remus pushed Sirius off of him.

"That's fine," he replied, smiling slightly. "I have a perfectly good bedpost that I can hump. I don't need you guys there."

A wicked grin flitted across Sirius's faced, one that clearly read _payback_. Remus suddenly felt a thrill of foreboding, a tremor of wonder – what had he just unleashed from his best friend?

"Oh no," Sirius said silkily, his eyes piercing Remus, "we're quite aware that you don't need us to have a good time. Isn't that right, guys?"

James let out a laugh, twirling his wand between his fingers and pretending to fire it at Sirius. "Right you are. Is it always bedposts, Moony, or do you have other preferences as well?"

Remus blinked.

"What are you guys even talking about?"

Peter flushed an even brighter red than before, violently nudging James with his shoulder. "Leave him alone, guys. I thought you said we wouldn't mention -"

"Ah, but that was before Master Lupin decided that we weren't good enough for his moonlight walks," Sirius interposed casually, his dark eyes flitting over and meeting Remus's for a second, before returning to the eyes of the other two. It didn't matter how quickly the exchange was; Remus had seen in that one glance that he had actually somehow offended Sirius by his teasing, and that he was going to pay for it. "Now, I think, is the perfect time to allow our friend to know what we were referring to yesterday, don't you?"

James nodded as Peter squeaked another desperate attempt to shut Sirius up – obviously counting three votes against one (after all, Remus was curious, wasn't he?), Padfoot grinned widely.

"And so the fun begins… well, Remus, we've heard from a reliable source -" he shot a look at poor Peter "– that the day before your transformation this month, you took _very_ good care of yourself."

Again, Remus blinked.

_Was he referring to what he thought he was referring to?_

"I… what do you mean?"

That wicked smile again.

"Do you really want to play this game, Moony?" he asked, tilting his head to the side slightly, as if a curious child. "Do you not just want to say, 'yes guys, I wanked myself to high heavens three nights ago and Peter must have heard me' and get it over and done with? … Oh wait, I just did it for you."

The room erupted with laughter – Sirius smiled smugly, knowing he had just started a new joke that would run on for at least another two months, whilst James collapsed from laughing and caused sparks to shoot out from the end of his wand. Peter let out a nervous laugh, before Lupin managed to catch his eye. Peter silenced himself, flushing red.

Not nearly as red as Remus, however. "You, err… you must've heard something else. You know I don't… do that." His fingers fiddled nervously with themselves in his lap. James caught sight of this and laughed victoriously.

"Look at yourself, Moony! You're the _picture_ of guilt! Why are you so ashamed? We all do it, it's a normal thing to do, bash the bishop, spank the monkey… or is it because Peter heard you?" James winked at him. "Don't worry, he only told us _after_ he came with you."

Wormtail stood up, shaking his head, looking imploringly at Remus. "P-please, Remus, it wasn't my fault – they practically _dragged_ it out of me, you know what they're like, you have to understand -"

Remus was still twiddling with his fingers as he shook his head sharply to silence Pettigrew.

"It's not your fault, I know that," he murmured, looking down at his nervous habit. "But I really… it could've been a bad dream…"

Sirius let out a bark-like laugh and suddenly pushed Remus back down on the bed by his shoulders, leaning down and pressing his lips up against his friend's ear in a matter of seconds..

"Does this sound familiar?" Remus tried not to shudder as Sirius's hot breath tickled his skin, similar to how he had felt when Lily Evans, James's obsession, had whispered a joke in his ear – on the same night that they were referring to. Sirius's whisper was hot against the shell of his small ear, teasing him purely for the pleasure of entertaining his friends -

"Oh, yes… that feels so good… oh _god_, fuck, _yes_…"

With sudden force and surprising anger, the smaller, lighter haired boy pushed Sirius off. The room went silent as Remus stood up.

"You think it's funny, do you?" he asked quietly, looking at each of them in turn. James couldn't help but snort gently, before covering his mouth with his hand. Sirius was still grinning, his face slightly flushed; Peter looked up at him anxiously. "You think it's funny that my being a werewolf makes me… makes me this way? It's not fun, and it's not funny. You guys ought to do some growing up and realise that I don't _enjoy_ doing it, I don't enjoy having to… to do it."

The tension in the air had risen as the Marauders slowly began to calm down. Sirius was still grinning, but it was empty, no longer full with the teasing wickedness it had held before. James had put his wand down and was now looking appropriately mollified. Peter was still looking anxious.

"This is why I don't tell you things. This is why when Dumbledore calls me to his office, I don't let you tag along after me. Some things I just have to get on with myself. Without you."

He didn't want to hear them make more comments, nor did he want to stand and watch them feel ashamed of themselves; he turned and walked out of the room, determined not to look back. He was sick of them continuously treating him like some innocent little boy who knew nothing, who was always open to be the butt of their sexual jokes. And as for Sirius…

_Damn Sirius_, Remus thought angrily, pushing open the portrait hole and climbing out, turning right and towards the direction of the Prefects bathroom. _Why did he always take it too far? Just because _he_ has no problem sorting out his sexual needs_.

X X X X X

"You took it too far, Padfoot," James said, moments after Lupin had stormed out. "You've really got to learn your limits."

Sirius flopped moodily onto his bed, shooting red sparks out of the end of his wand in frustration. Why did Remus always take it too seriously? Saying that, he usually took it quite well. Generally he would just accept that he was the cause of the joke and get on with it, spouting out a gently clever comment or two. Today, however, was different.

"Well how was _I_ supposed to know that it was some werewolf-y problem?" he replied defensively, focusing on the sparks. "I just thought his balls had finally dropped and he was discovering what a treat it was to screw himself once in a while. He didn't need to take it so seriously…"

James grinned at his friend's reply, as Peter tentatively opened his mouth to reply. He hesitated, knowing he could easily be hexed by his best friend simply for answering – but decided that he was safe (blatantly remembering his successful joke).

"Well… you have to hand it to him, he _does_ put up with a lot of sexual comments from you, Padfoot."

Sirius grunted, and Peter took this as a positive reaction, continuing.

"Not to mention that, well, you _do_ kind of put a really heavy emphasis on the need for sex and stuff. You're always going on about some girl or another, the latest positions you've tried and the number of orgasms you have -"

His face was bright red as Sirius turned around, fixing his eyes on him – it was obvious he was finding it difficult to say all this. After all, it was _almost_ criticism. Peter gulped, but decided his point was too relevant to ignore. "- and let's face it, out of all of us, Remus _is_ the only one not to have passed base one with a girl…"

For the second time that day, silence greeted Peter's comment. A slow grin spread across Sirius's face, Remus's reaction temporarily forgotten as he pushed himself up to face his friend.

"Why Peter," he said gleefully, shock emanating from his voice. "Are you telling me that you've done the dirty with a girl?"

"Or guy," James intercepted, running fingers through his messy black hair. Sirius laughed appreciatively before turning his laser-like attention back on his tomato-faced friend. Peter smiled a little, suddenly looking shy. "C'mon Pete, who was it?"

"No one… just a girl from Hufflepuff…"

"Oh really?" James was now standing and looking down at Peter. Sirius recognised the stance, and knew that he was meant to join his friend – it was called their "Magnet" pose. It was a well known fact that if Sirius and James took up that pose around Peter that dear little Wormtail would eventually spill the beans, without the aid of magic. "Well then, dearest Peter, I think it's best that you enlighten us. That or we'll question your sexuality for the next year."

Peter chewed on his bottom lip nervously, shaking his head slightly.

"Come on, Wormy," Sirius wheedled, sliding over to where James stood, looking down at their short, blonde friend with a smile that was almost _too_ kind. "We only want to know so that we can congratulate you and reward you with love and attention…"

Pale blue eyes stared up at them desperately, already seeing their demise.

"So how do you like your cock, Peter?" Sirius began, but Peter had already stood up, eyes closed, mouth open.

"It was Patty Halliwell!"

The two dark haired boys exchanged knowing looks.

"And?" James said simply, letting Peter know that they wouldn't back off until they knew all the details. Peter gulped deeply.

"And… after Care of Magical Creatures she came and asked me for help with the Botumbunchers were had been studying, about their properties and all that and…" Peter looked up at them, desperately hoping this was enough but knowing it wasn't. "…and… I couldn't help it, she was wearing that yellow top that's really low cut and she kept leaning over and I just couldn't help it…" He stared miserably at his friends, who were laughing and grinning down at him as if they were proud siblings.

"So what did ya do?" Sirius continued relentlessly. "Copped a feel?"

Peter nodded, eyes widening as he remembered.

"Accidentally of course, she had a bug on her shoulder, I was only brushing it away – but then she sort of _moved_ and I… I… cupped it! And then she was leaning over and she kissed me and soon her hands were _everywhere -_"

"Patty Halliwell gave you a _handjob?_" Sirius crowed, falling into James's arms and laughing so hard tears started falling from his eyes. Peter looked horrified, but nodded his head and buried his face in his hands. "I'm so proud of you, Wormtail! You've continued to impress me today – fuck it, I won't tease you for a week!"

As Peter started laughing too and regaling his tale in more detail, Sirius's eyes couldn't help but drift over to Remus's bed. He knew it would be a while before Remus actually talked to him…

_Maybe he's just bitter because he's never had a shag,_ he thought to himself, honestly considering this reason. _Maybe if I find him some girl to be interested in, someone to focus his sexual energy on…_

Yes, that was how it would be, Sirius decided. Then maybe his best friend would thank him and realise that all along, he was only trying to help.

X X X X X

**Emoprincessbutterflybaby: I hope I didn't disappoint and kept up the good work for you!**

**Drica-Chan: I'm glad you like the way Peter is portrayed; I felt he deserved a chance, bless his heart! I think he just made a mistake through fear and and an overwhelming desire to be liked... he wasn't as morally strong as the other three, hence his mistake. But he was initially a good person, and that's what I hope I'm showing. Thank you for such a positive review.**

**MagicalWinry: See above for my view on Peter... and thank you for liking the way I'm writing him to be. And, as you so desire, I have indeed updated! wink**


	3. Not This Week

**My god, new reviews! You people rock. Thanks so much for reviewing. As you so desire, here is the third chapter – sorry it hasn't been any slashier, guys, but you gotta give the poor guy a chance to feel it! It isn't full moon yet, remember… hopefully this chapter will quench your thirst a little more. Love to all!**

**PS: Sorry for taking so long, peoples! ******** Had a lot going on is all. Enjoy!**

Chapter Three

The next few weeks passed by with minimal gossip and, for Remus, more loneliness than he could handle. It was clear to him that everyone just assumed he had overreacted to their teasing that day, occasionally spouting more erection jokes and teasing him about anything that happened to look like a phallus (for example in Herbology, Sirius held up a Venomous Cucumber and asked him if it looked familiar) – which made him immediately clam up and become unreachable. He didn't understand why he found it so difficult to take his friends' teasing at this time, but as long as he did, he confined himself to the Lake's grassy banks on his own, studying and trying to clear his mind of the vicious retorts he so badly wanted to shoot at his friends.

He could feel himself becoming harder to handle (in more ways than one) as the week of the full moon came closer. The full moon was expected on the Thursday, and it was Sunday; he was taking some well-needed time out from studies, lying flat out on his back by the Lake. Twilight was one of his favourite times – but in this freezing cold, not many people were brave enough to sit there. Remus only did so to escape the teasing of his friends.

Sighing, he let out a gentle shiver as the wind wrapped itself around his body. He hated the cold, but it seemed to be helping his hot-blooded desires… all throughout the day he'd had a continuous erection from the simplest of things – for christ sakes, all Harriet Harsham had to do was brush past him and smile for him to suddenly need to bring is cloak around his front to hide the evidence of his "feelings". Sirius of course had noticed, rapidly sending out a mandatory wink and a tiny smile. The smile, however, hadn't been what Remus had expected – usually when Sirius noticed _anything_ sexual to do with either him or Peter he would point it out and laugh out loud… this time, there had almost been a trace of _understanding_, something Remus had no clue as to where it came from. How could Sirius know how he was feeling? The boy always had a girlfriend – well, that or a constant sex-buddy.

Not that Remus was jealous, of course. He had never really had any sexual needs or requirements, and generally saw Sirius's mass of admirers as a circumstance rather than a positive aspect. He could tell sometimes that Sirius was a little sick of it all; there was only so much attention he could pay to each girl, and with numbers growing like they did, it was starting to take its toll on the darker haired boy. But Remus would never let his friend know that he saw it; even if Sirius _was_ a pain in the butt, it didn't mean that Remus wanted to be hurtful. Sirius's pride was easily maimed, and _he_ didn't want to be the one to do it.

_Sirius_… come to think about it, Sirius had almost been _nice_ this week. He had only made the cucumber comment – other than that, he'd been quite quiet and thoughtful. Often Remus had caught Sirius looking at him curiously, as if trying to figure something out – he had no idea why, and was quite concerned. It wasn't at all like Sirius to take an interest in anyone but himself.

Remus blushed suddenly as he remembered Sirius teasing him, mounting him and making sexual comments and noises in his ear… it wasn't like it had turned him on, but it had certainly been a bizarre feeling. Sirius was constantly making sexual comments and would often do impressions of all the girls he'd made orgasm, but it had never made Remus react like that before. For a few seconds it had made Remus shiver as he forgot who it was making those noises, those guttural, and yes, familiar noises – but as soon as he remembered it was Sirius, _bloody Sirius_ on top of him, he had become angry at the incessant teasing and pushed him violently off.

It certainly wasn't like Remus to be violent.

He sighed again. Though the differences seemed small to others, they were big, bigger than anything to him. _It must be the werewolf_, he thought desperately, flopping his arms at his sides on the cold grass. _It must be. It's not like I want to have a constant erection for 3 to 4 days a week, just as it's hardly likely that I want to be more violent towards my friends_.

So how could he fix it? How could he make himself better? He couldn't help think that maybe he just needed to, well… _lose_ it. You know. His virginity. He didn't want to, he _really_ didn't want to, but it seemed like this was all he could do… he'd sorted himself out, he'd tried to leave it, he'd done all he could think of doing and it _still_ hadn't worked. Steadily and steadily, he was becoming more depressed and confused. If this didn't end soon –

"Hey, Remus! Remus!"

A sweet voice swam across the wind as it tousled his hair – he sat up, turning his head left and right to discover the source of the voice. A girl ran towards him, dark red hair flying around her uncontrollably and a big smile on her pretty face: Lily Evans, James's infatuation. Remus stood up, brushing the back of his legs hard to rid of any grass and mud. Maybe some mature female company would help clear his mind of these ridiculous thoughts.

"Hey Lily," he said gently, slipping his hands inside his pockets and offering her a little smile as she closed the distance between them and reached his side. She threw her arms around him without hesitation, enveloping him in a clean, fresh smell that immediately made him feel relaxed and at ease. He stumbled slightly, wrenching his hands from his pockets and grabbing hold of her to stop the both of them falling flat on their backs – she laughed, a beautiful sound, a laugh with no maliciousness or mockery, and pulled back slightly so that she could look at him. Her bright green eyes sparkled at him fondly as her hair whipped across her face, occasionally brushing across his own. "How are you? What are you doing out here, its freezing!"

"I could say the same thing to you," she replied good-naturedly, linking her arm through his and not-so-discreetly pulling him towards the castle. "What's up?"

Remus raised his eyebrows and shrugged, bewildered by her concerned tone. "Why would anything be wrong?"

Lily grinned. "Oh come off it, Remus, you've been miserable as sin these last few weeks, not to mention you haven't been attached to those three idiots for longer than 2 minutes, max. So come on," she flashed him a cheeky smile. "Tell me ALL your problems."

He laughed wryly, shaking his head. Oh, if only it were that easy… he was much closer to Lily emotionally than any of the others. She had befriended him almost straight away, though he had not wanted her attention – in his first year, he was adamant that friends would just cause problems, and was cold to her without second thought. It had only been when he had found her crying at the bottom of the Owlery stairs that he felt some true emotion towards her, and as if from pure instinct, had sat beside her and asked her in polite, gentle tones what was wrong. She showed him the letter in her hands, a harshly written letter from her sister once more confirming that as long as Lily was at Hogwarts, she would have nothing to do with her.

He remembered so strongly the understanding he had felt as he sat beside her: she, too, was rejected for being different by someone she thought she could trust. His closest friends from childhood avoided him the moment it slipped out that he had been bitten, and since then had found no friend in anyone other than his own parents. He knew, as soon as she had glanced up with her large green eyes shimmering with tears, that he would befriend her and show her that someone understood, and someone would care for her whether she was different or not.

Recalling this, he looked down at her with another warm smile, nudging her gently with his shoulder as she looked back earnestly. _Yes, I can trust her_, he thought to himself – before grinning wryly. _But there is no way I'm telling her about Mr Happy_.

"Ah, you know Lily, it's just… man stuff. The kind of thing that you can't really tell -" Remus was forced to break off, as Lily let out a snort. He turned to look at her, and saw her holding her stomach as she laughed silently, shaking her head. He half-smiled, wondering what he had said to make her laugh.

"Man stuff?" she gasped, reaching out and placing a hand on Remus's arm. "That's the best you can come up with? I mean, maybe if I was a complete idiot, but come on – women stuff maybe, but man stuff? You just can't use it, Reemy."

"Remus," he automatically corrected, before shaking his head. "And it's better than saying I've got PMT or something ridiculous. At least I'm being realistic and honest."

Lily smiled fondly, continuing their walk. "Yeah, maybe. But you need to open up a bit more; you've been so depressed these last few days. Is it Sirius and James? Not Peter, obviously, he couldn't hurt a fly – but have the other two upset you? I'll tell you something, when I next study with James, I'll kill him."

With a small jerk of curiosity mixed with guilt, he realised he'd forgotten James's study-date with Lily.

"How did that go, in the end? He wouldn't shut up about it."

She smiled, twisting her hair with her index finger, looking skyward.

"I don't know… James is weird. One moment he's the sweetest, most attentive person you could find. And the next… he's being attentive in other ways that, quite frankly, don't interest me right now."

Remus laughed, but let her continue.

"He hasn't tried to kiss me or anything, he's been quite the gentleman – but sometimes I'd look up from one a book we're both supposed to be looking at and he'd be staring at me. It's the kind of attention where I know he's just been running his eyes all over me the whole time, like I'm… naked…or something…"

They were both silent for a moment. Remus, conscious of the fact that she had just revealed something not only personal but incredibly embarrassing, refused to look in her direction. He knew she'd be flushed as vibrantly as her hair, and didn't want to further it by paying her any attention. The walked side by side in silence for a few minutes, both of them concentrating on their own thoughts as Remus realised in horror that the idea of her naked wasn't exactly helping his newest problem. In desperation, he turned to her and forced a smile, arranging his cloak so she couldn't tell how uncomfortable he was.

"Look, Lily -"

"No, Remus, I'm sorry," she interrupted hastily, reaching out and touching his bare hand. His grey eyes flew up and met her green ones. "I shouldn't talk about things like that with you, I know James is your best friend. Besides," she added, a sly smile appearing on her face. "I'd imagine that thinking of me and him naked together isn't exactly the most pleasant of thoughts."

Instantly he managed to control it, the thought of James naked beside Lily draining away all desirous thoughts. He knew, anyway, that he didn't want Lily. She was wonderful, brilliant company and thoroughly entertaining – for a friend. He just couldn't see her that way though, particularly when James was added to the mix. He smiled mildly at her.

"As long as you both keep it to your own company, I don't have a problem with anything," he stated honestly, taking his hand away from her touch that still lingered. "I think you and James are old enough to make your own decisions. I know that if you're uncomfortable with the way he looks at you, that you'll say something."

He looked to smile at her. Her eyes, so bright moments ago were now slightly shadowed, her hands clasped tightly in her lap. She said nothing, offered no hint as to if she agreed with him or not. For a few moments, Remus realised he could have offended her with his casual approach to the topic, and began to speak - however, she cut across him once again, not seeming to realise how often she did this.

"I'm glad you see it that way," she said lightly, flashing him a smile that did not seem to connect with her properly. "James is a nice boy. Maybe something will happen."

Remus opened his mouth to agree, but found that Lily was now trailing behind, staring out across the landscape rather than focusing on dragging him back to the castle as she had done previously. He stopped momentarily, half-wanting to leave her on her own and just go back to contemplating everything – but the bigger, softer side of him willed him to walk to her side and hesitantly reach out to touch her shoulder. She tensed slightly, turning her head slightly so she could meet his eye.

"Have you ever wanted someone, Remus?"

He blinked, backtracking; how did she jump on that train of thought? He shook his head slightly. "In what way?"

Lily smiled slightly.

"You know… the way James wants me. The way Sirius wants that Ravenclaw girl. The way Peter wants anything that breathes. You know," she clarified, looking back over the landscape. "That way."

He shrugged half-heartedly, not knowing how to answer this strangely loaded question. "To be honest, Lily, I haven't ever… thought about it. I don't get much time to be 'wanting' someone. There's just too much to think about without me having to worry about someone needing my attention constantly."

The redhead laughed, reaching down and lacing her fingers with his, so fast he couldn't even think about it. Her fingers were cold against his warm ones. He looked down at her, unsure as to her reasons for this, but she seemed quite content just to stand there. He waited, knowing that words would come with this action.

They came moments later. "You're my best friend, Remus. Not like Grace and Mary and all the girls that I'm close to – you're different." She looked up at him with a smile radiating warmth. "You're so honest, but so careful about it. All the girls I know would give their opinions in a second, loud and clear so that everyone could hear – but you're so _subtle._ I love that."

It was getting colder, the clouds moving quickly and revealing the moon in all its tyrannous beauty. Remus shivered, knowing it was merely days until he was a vicious monster again – just the thought of the gentle girl beside him seeing it made him want to rip his hand from hers and run. She must've felt him tense, as she held onto his hand tighter, moving closer against his side.

"Don't leave," she whispered, resting her head on his shoulder. He tensed again, hating the effect her warmth was having on him, hating that she was simply being affectionate and he was horny as hell from her innocent touch. "Things always seem so different with you, different than with anyone I know. I can talk to you and know you'll listen. Will you listen to me for a few moments more? Then I'll let you go – but just stay for a few minutes more?"

Her eyes were imploring as they gazed up at him, and he nodded once so that she knew she could speak. He couldn't bear her being so close now, his trusted friend, his only female friend. But he couldn't bear to send her away when it appeared that she needed him so much.

"It just feels so confusing sometimes," she said, her thumb idly stroking the skin on the back of his hand. "When I've got all these people around me expecting different things. The Professor's all expect top results every time, if I ever get less than an E on anything, they ask me what's happening to make it happen… worse is when all the people around me in the common room are having fun whilst I'm trying to cram all this new information in my head just to get ahead…"

"You don't have to get ahead -"

"Shhh, Remus, I'm not done yet," she said with a smile, though with a tone of – what was it – desperation? "They want me to be ahead of the class so everyone feels they have to match up to my standards. Then there's all my girl-friends that are happily average, teasing me about working so hard, telling me to get out and have some fun. On top of that, obviously, is bloody James, so lovely at times but a total arse most of the live long day – so handsome but so arrogant on top of it."

She sighed; Remus, assuming she had finished, gently released her hand and moved away so she was standing slightly apart from him. As he turned to head back to the castle, knowing he had fulfilled his part of the bargain, she spoke once again.

"And then there's you…"

He stopped dead: no. Please, no.

"You're so quiet, gentle, kind…"

_Stop talking_.

"You stand here, after I've asked you to tell me how _you're_ feeling, and you let me come out with all of this, all that's on my mind…"

_Please, Lily, just be quiet, we can pretend you never mentioned my name_.

"And you're so understatedly... amazing."

Remus whirled around, cloak whipping out behind him as he strode to her. He knew he shouldn't, he knew he had startled her, but he couldn't help it. It was the moon, the full moon, coursing through his veins like energy. He reached her, not touching her, but standing so close to her that he could practically taste the clean, fresh smell from her hair. His grey eyes found hers, piercing, almost icy; he felt her recoil slightly.

"Listen to me Lily," he urged quietly, keeping his gaze firmly upon her. "You're just confused. You're upset and stressed, you've got James wanting things of you that you're not ready to give, and you're reaching out to me because I'm so 'trustworthy', so 'steady". You know what other words for that are?"

She shook her head minutely, hair whipping across her face.

"Boring. Serious. Dull. Don't turn me into something I'm not, because you'll only end up disappointing yourself."

Lily opened her mouth to speak, but Remus cut across her.

"I like you a lot, Lily; you're the only person I would actually talk to about things that aren't considered a casual topic. But I can't have you romanticising me. Not for anything. You shouldn't. You just… shouldn't."

He turned from her, striding towards the castle once again. He knew it was completely out of character, and he knew she would be confused by him – but that was fine. He couldn't bear for her to think these things of him when he was simply being a decent human being.

After all, if he couldn't do even that…

Then he was just a monster.

Remus carried on walking, not looking back for fear of actually returning to the white-faced girl and pulling her into an embrace that he did not deserve.

_I'm sorry Lily,_ he thought to himself, bathed in light from the windows of the school. _I'm sorry I can't be the friend you need me to be._


	4. Burning

**It****'s been a long wait… and I am so, so sorry.**

**BUT HERE IT IS! CHAPTER 4! Enjoy… the usual warnings. Don't remember them? SEX may be present at some point. Sometimes GAY sex. Perhaps some harsh language. Maybe a bit of angst. But let's see where this chapter takes us, shall we?**

**Chapter Four**

_Why aren__'t you him? Why am I on your bed, when I'd rather be on his?_

She was trying to banish these thoughts from her mind, but finding it virtually impossible; every time Lily looked at James, his hazel eyes either studying the page in front of him or staring intently at her, she wished he was someone else. She wished that those eyes were a subtle, silvery grey. She wished that the hand that brushed against hers accidentally-on-purpose when he turned the page was paler, softer. She wished that the black hair all messed up over his forehead was light brown, soft and smooth.

Sighing a little, she looked more closely at James, willing herself to like him more. It wasn't that he was a bad person - over the last few days (since a certain someone had left her almost crying by the Lake) they had spent more time with each other, and it actually turned out that he was funny in a less immature way than she had expected, and that his quick-minded approach to things was both impressive and entertaining. They talked about politics, the state of the world, the whisperings of dark uprisings over the country. At other times, they discussed their teachers, their friends, their families - things that Lily didn't often talk about with the boy she was trying to forget about, at least not in the way that she talked about them with James.

He made her laugh; that was a good thing. He eased her into his company somehow, meaning that she always felt comfortable with him no matter what they were doing. Every session started out with Lily on the chair and James on the bed, both of them discussing their notes. James would eventually coax her onto the bed with him, where she would sit upright as he lounged around. After half an hour or so, she would soon lie down next to him, close enough to feel his body near hers - and about fifteen minutes into this, James would slide closer and, sometimes, put his arm around her.

And she didn't mind. She was truly comfortable with him, which was surprising considering what an asshole he had seemed to be before. Sometimes she'd get so lost in talking with him that she'd forget about Re- no, about that boy, and a few times had let James hold her hand. She knew what was going to happen, that James would properly ask her out and that she'd say yes - after all, why not? James made her feel warm and relaxed. When he looked intently at her, she let her gaze meet his and felt a warmth spread through her like butterbeer on a cold day. A few times she'd even wondered what it would be like to kiss him - not that she'd ever kissed anyone before, so didn't have anyone to compare him to… but she still thought it would be quite nice.

It helped of coursed that he - that boy - had never come in on one of their study sessions, and therefore she had no reason to feel edgy or embarrassed. She could just focus on spending time with James, convincing herself that yes, he was the better choice.

James made her feel warm inside.

_But __**he **__makes me burn up…_

Quickly discarding the thought that floated across her mind as if it were treacherous, she pushed James's book down away from him to get his attention. Surprised, he looked up and smiled at her, his hazel eyes sparkling at her desire for his attention. He reached out and hesitantly covered her hand with his. She smiled back.

"So… what do you want to do now?" James said lightly, his thumb making little circles over the skin on her hand. Lily glanced down at the hand on hers, and then back up at James. Her eyes focused on his lips for a second, before raising them back up to look directly into James's eyes.

"I want you to kiss me," she said decisively, unexpectedly. James looked taken aback - but thrilled - as she flushed bright red at her words. He looked at her, looked away, and then back again, taking his hand from hers.

"You want… are you sure?" he said, his voice breaking slightly. "I mean, we don't have to. I don't want to pressure you into anything."

"I'm sure," Lily reassured him, placing her hand over his again, "Really, James, I want you to kiss me. But do it now."

James nodded. "Right, err, well, okay."

Lily knew that he wasn't nervous because he'd never done it like she hadn't done it - she knew for a fact that James wasn't even a virgin. She knew it was because he really, really wanted this - a lot more than she did. She was prepared to bet that her being near him felt exactly the same as when _she_ was near… that boy.

James shuffled closer to her, and looked her in the eyes for a second. For some reason, she didn't feel nervous, and she tried to put this across in the smile she gave him, not wanting him to pull out. She then closed her eyes, waiting, waiting for James to kiss her.

For a few moments, she didn't think he was going to, but just as she was about to ask what was wrong, she felt his lips over hers, hesitant, gentle - slightly dry but pleasant enough. It was a weird sensation, nothing that she'd experienced before, but it wasn't anything objectionable - it actually felt quite nice. She formed her lips as she had seen in films, on book covers, as she had seen her friends do, and kissed him back. She felt him move closer to her, an arm sliding over her waist slowly and pulling her body closer to him - but she didn't stop him. This was fine. She was feeling warm and safe, not to mention relieved that her first kiss wasn't as horrendous as she'd heard some to be.

He pulled away suddenly, and looked her in the eyes. His eyes seemed glazed over, a strange look in them - she couldn't place it. She smiled nervously at him, and the smile he returned to her was genuine. So what was wrong with him?

"Did you like that?" he asked, his arm still wrapped around her. She nodded, hair falling into her eyes. He grinned, pleased, before lifting his wrist and checking his watch. "Hmmm… ten minutes." He looked up at her, eyes glazing over again. "You want to do it again?"

Lily hesitated for a moment, knowing that _he_ could walk in on them whilst they were kissing, but feeling a slight sense of pleasure that he might be hurt by it. She nodded again, leaning forward and kissing him first this time, more forward and ready for it than she had been before. They kissed like this for a few minutes, with lot of movement but not much else - his arm was still around her waist.

Suddenly, however, James opened his mouth, his breath mingling with hers - and _ohmygod_ what was THAT? Good lord, that was his tongue… Lily tried not to feel repulsed, but it was weird, and certainly not as nice as the kisses had been before. She nervously moved her own tongue so that it reached out and touched his - to her shock, she heard him groan slightly, his arm tightening around her waist and his tongue moving harder and more passionately against her own.

He pulled her closer, and, with a shock, she felt a hardness she had only ever heard of in gossip against her. Her eyes flew open, but apparently James was not surprised _at all_ - in fact, he seemed pretty comfortable with the whole thing. Lily was tempted, for a moment, to push him off and say that it was enough for that night, but then that image of Remus (oh hell) walking in made her kiss him back just as hard, even so much as moving her body closer to his.

And suddenly her mind was taking over; in her mind, it was Remus she was kissing, not James - the hand that was running over the curve of her hip was Remus's hand, the same hand that was caressing the skin of her back that had become bare in their frantic kissing. The lips and tongue so passionately crushing her own was Remus's, and it was his groan of delight, Remus's groan that escaped as she pressed herself firmly against him, finding herself quite lost in this new game. She was pretty sure that Remus would never be so hot-blooded as this, that he would be gentle and his kisses softer, his hands feathery-light on her skin rather than hot and determined - but that wasn't how she had always imagined it in her mind, and now… well, she was just providing herself with something new to think about.

And now James rolled over so that she was on top of him, her body flush against his - both of their breathing had sped up and she wasn't quite sure what she was doing - nor did she care -

"Shit, sorry mate! Could've put the sock on the door though."

Lily whirled around, her heart leaping - but it was only Sirius, grinning at James with that sparkle in his eye. She quickly moved off of James, flushing bright red as she slipped her shoes back on and grabbed her books.

"No, it's fine - I should probably get going anyway," she said breathlessly, looking down at James who was re-arranging his robes to hide his erection and grinning in turn at Sirius and herself. She flashed him a nervous smile, but just as she started to leave, he reached out and grasped her hand. She stopped, and turned.

"Do you… will I see you tomorrow?" he said, his voice quiet. Surprised, she nodded, squeezing his hand quickly before walking off and out of the room, avoiding Sirius's triumphant gaze. As she descended the staircase, she head Sirius's voice loud and clear,

"You jammy fucker!"

X X X X X

"There you are Moony, where have you been?"

Remus was instantly greeted by voices as he walked into the common room; there only seemed to be about fifteen people left down there, most of them studying. Peter was relaxing on one of the chairs, Peter sitting on the floor below him as he flicked his wand at items around the room. Sirius, to Remus's relief, wasn't there.

James grinned at him as Remus made his way over to the two of them, moving over so that the wandering Marauder could sit down. The lighter haired boy flopped down, suddenly feeling exhausted - the transformations had not been easy these last few days, and he wasn't much looking forward to the last one. As he closed his eyes, he felt a gentle poke on his kneecap.

"Where've you been all day? We've been looking for you; you weren't in any of the usual places." Peter's voice was suddenly the most annoying thing he'd ever heard: Remus opened his eyes and looked at his friend, who was staring up at him curiously. He felt his frustration rise. Why was Peter so annoying?

"Spending some time alone. Thinking."

"A concept lost on Peter," James interjected, grinning again at Remus, blatantly trying to ease the stress that was visible on his friend's face. "We were getting worried was all. You could even go as far as to say we missed you a bit."

Peter let out a short laugh, before quietening when Remus didn't join in. The solemn boy did, however, smile slightly, acknowledging James's attempt to cheer him up. "Sorry James, Peter. I'm just ridiculously tired this month. Energy comes and goes in waves, and these last few transformations have been dire -"

"Hey, you don't need to explain yourself to us," James intercepted, finding Remus's grey eyes with his darker ones, shimmering with sincerity. "We know it's hard for you, and we know we should be more understanding… it's just how we are. You don't like us 'cos we're sensitive," he added, grinning at his friend, "you like us 'cos we're arseholes."

"That's true," Remus acknowledged with a small smile, resting his head on the back of his chair. "So where's Sirius? I haven't seen him for a while."

"We thought you'd be relieved from the break," Peter said quickly, quietly, glancing around in case Sirius was there. "He's been hanging around with that Ravenclaw girl he's… with… recently, her and her friend. We think," he giggled, "we think that he's having them _both_."

"Which I do _not_ support," James intercepted, nodding knowingly. "I'm a one girl guy myself. Speaking of which…"

His eyes drifted to the door of the common-room, a focused, intense look taking over. Remus turned to see whatever he was gazing at, and felt his stomach tighten. There was Lily, her read hair in a plait over her shoulder, holding a pile of books to her chest as she was immediately swamped by a group of girls all clamouring to hear something from her. A few glances were made in James's direction, all of which he acknowledged with a nod and a smile.

Remus knew he had to ask, even if he knew the answer.

"So… you and Lily?"

"Yeah," James said nonchalantly, despite it being obvious that he was thrilled. "Earlier on today. I'm going to make it official tomorrow."

"They didn't have sex," Peter added confidentially. "Just kissed a lot."

"Yeah, in the hottest, sexiest sense in the world," James snorted, turning his attention momentarily back to his friends. "I never knew she had it in her. Pressing herself up against me like nothing I've ever seen before. It was brilliant."

Remus shut his eyes for a second. "She's not an object, James."

"I know," the boy replied, gazing across at her again, his eyes glazing over. "I like her _so much_… she's funny, smart AND sexy. She's everything I could ever ask for."

"You LOVE her!" Peter squeaked, clasping his hands together in delight. James pushed him roughly, the smaller boy almost falling off of the sofa.

"No I don't," he said, still gazing at her. "Not yet. But I'm getting there."

Remus's eyes flew open as he looked at his friend in surprise.

"You're falling in love with Lily?"

James nodded.

"I think so, yeah."

Remus opened his mouth, completely unsure of what to say, but was interrupted by a shout from the common-room door.

"OI, REMUS! REMUS! GET YOUR ARSE OUT HERE NOW!"

Moony groaned. "What does Sirius want _now_?"

James shrugged, blatantly distracted. Peter shrugged too, but looked slightly edgy about it.

"Peter -"

"REEEEMEEEEE! I DEMAND THAT YOU GET OUT HERE RIIIGHT NOW!"

Exasperatedly, Remus stood up and made his way to the door of the common room, wishing not for the first time that he was upstairs in his bed. He walked past Lily without looking at her, knowing she was doing the same thing. He could _smell_ her for fuck sakes. He could smell that clean, fresh smell that was always there when she was around him. He carefully ignored the impulse it sent through him as he pushed open the door of the common room, coming face to face with Sirius who was grinning like a maniac, and a very pretty girl who was looking quite nervous.

Suddenly, Remus wished he had just hidden in his room.

X X X X X

"So! What did you think of her?"

Remus sighed, staring up at the canopy above his head and trying to step on the anger that was brewing inside of him. He knew that he had only hours before his transformation, but, to put it bluntly, he wasn't in the mood to move. He had just put up with an hour and a half of Sirius blatantly trying to shove a girl that was clearly in love with _him_ into Remus's arms. And Remus, funnily enough, wasn't interested.

"I think... that she's quite obsessed with you."

Sirius barked with laughter, rolling over on his bed and looking out at Moony. "Yeah, but seriously. Pretty enough for you? Funny enough? Smart enough? I mean come on, Remus, she's perfect."

Treacherously, an image of Lily flew across his mind - he banished it quickly.

"I'm not looking for a girlfriend, Padfoot."

Clearly, Sirius was not getting that he was _really_ not interested.

"I didn't say anything about a girlfriend, Moony," Sirius grinned, winking. "Think about it: if you shack up with her every time there's a full moon, you don't need to be grouchy and growly anymore. You can just be... you."

Remus clenched his jaw.

"I miss you, Remus, I really do," Sirius suddenly said sincerely, sitting up. "I miss our weird chats, the walks by the Lake, the stuff we used to do without the other two. I miss _us_."

Remus slowly sat up. "There isn't an us, Sirius. You've barely made time for me since you discovered the vagina, and I don't expect you to now. So give up. Stop trying to force Nola onto me, and stop trying to pretend our friendship is what it used to be."

Sirius's face went red. His eyes flashed. "So it's my fault that we don't talk anymore? Because I have girlfriends?"

"They're fuck-buddies, Sirius, not girlfriends."

"Fuck you," Sirius growled, standing up. "Look, I tried to do a good thing for you, finding someone I thought you'd like, but no! It's not enough! You'll just sit by whilst Peter gets hand-jobs in the Greenhouses, whilst James shacks up with Lily and whilst I -"

"Do exactly as you have done for months," Remus cut in, tiredly standing up. "Stop kidding yourself, Sirius. Neither of us are saints here."

"Whatever Remus." Sirius stood, facing Remus as he delivered his last line. "But don't come crying to me when you're so horny you can't do anything but fuck yourself over and over again. At least I took an interest."

Sirius strode over to the door, throwing it open. As he started his way down the stairs, Remus called after him,

"You only take an interest when it's sex, Sirius. Give a damn about something else. Then I'll be interested."

His friend continued walking, leaving Remus alone in the big room. Remus closed his eyes and leant his head against the bed frame.

Everything was going _wrong._


	5. Angel

**Another long wait!! And equally sorry!! I lost the will to write for a while (I know, devastating****…****) but I re-read what I****'****d written so far and the wonderful reviews you****'****ve all given me and well****…**** I****'****m all inspired again!**

**The usual warnings; sex, drugs, rock and roll - who knows what****'****ll be here next? I sure as hell don****'****t. But I****'****m about to find out****…**

**Chapter Five**

Peter was stuck.

Whenever any of the group had fallen out with each other before, it had always been over something stupid - quills, textbooks, the occasional Chocolate Frog - but this time, it seemed serious. Both Remus and Sirius were point-blank ignoring each other, and James was too distracted by his new girlfriend to talk to them like usual… which left it to him, Peter Pettigrew, the baby of the group, to deal with it. And if there was anything he hated more than anything, it was confrontation.

For a few days he watched all three of them go about their lives without paying either each other or him attention, and for the first time in his life, Peter was frightened of his friends. They were so _indifferent_ to each other. James of course was just obsessed with the red-haired goddess that he was meeting up for kissing sessions - sorry, _study_ sessions - on a daily basis; Peter could forgive him. He knew that once James and Lily had got their lust out of their system, that he'd come back. Perhaps he'd bring Lily too. Peter liked Lily, so didn't see this as a bad thing. She'd always been kind to him, despite him meaning nothing to her. Sirius went about looking moody and pensive, without the usual company of four or five girls; Peter took this as a bad sign, and stayed as far away from his black-haired friend as possible. He knew he was their verbal-punching bag, and didn't want to risk getting attacked when he himself was feeling so vulnerably detached from them.

As for Remus… gentle, fair Moony… he seemed to be taking out all of his anger at Sirius by working harder than ever. He was constantly in the library until Madame Pince forced him out - Peter often went and sat at the table next to him, simply to offer silent company and perhaps some friendly chatter if he wanted it. Not that Remus ever wanted to talk. He offered a half-smile whenever he saw Peter walk in, but never words. Whatever had happened, whatever Sirius had done (because there was no doubt that it was Sirius's fault; it always was) must have been pretty awful for it to be as silent, awkward and uncomfortable as it was now.

And Peter was the one that suffered the most for it.

It was four days into this cold, friendless winter (15 days to Christmas! Peter mused as he climbed into the Common Room) that he decided enough was enough. He was sick of walking to lessons on his own, trailing along at the back with the likes of Yolanda Briggs (a strange, slightly smelly girl in his year) and Severus Snape, who somehow scared him witless despite never having said a word to him. He hated eating breakfast and dinner alone as Remus ate nothing, James sat with Lily and Sirius breezed through, taking a rack of toast with him and then walking out again. He had truly had it with going to bed to silence, not the usual rambunctious behaviour of throwing pillows through the bed curtains at him as he tried to get undressed.

He missed it all, and he was going to try his hardest to get it back.

There was Sirius! Sitting at the back, not listening to a girl who was blabbering on about goodness knows what. Not for the first time, Peter thanked god that he was a boy, not one of the brainless females that seemed to have no thoughts in their heads. Apart from Lily. But Lily was different, all of them knew it.

Peter strode towards him as fast as his little legs could carry him, trying to paste confidence onto his face - he may not be as good looking as Sirius, as interesting as Remus or as clever as James, but he was loyal. And this, in his eyes, was him acting upon his own fierce loyalty - getting his friends back together and happy once more.

Sirius looked up as he approached and visibly rolled his eyes; Peter hesitated for a second, but, determined to do it right, he said the words he'd been practicing all evening.

"Sirius - can I talk to you?"

"Sure," his friend surprised him by answering. He stood, apparently not noticing that Amanda or Ashley or whoever the girl was hadn't stopped talking. Peter, elated, led him to a corner of the common room. Sirius turned to him. "What's up, Wormtail? Haven't seen you looking this nervous since they stopped making Double-Chocolate Mouth-Magic Mints."

Hating him slightly, Peter shook his head, suddenly wishing he'd never started this. He couldn't quite tell what mood Sirius was in, and he didn't want to upset him - but he needed to get to the heart of the matter, and Sirius was it.

"It's just… you and Moony…"

Instantly Sirius's expression became darker, moodier, scarier. Peter gulped.

"You and Moony…"

"Yes, I heard that part," Sirius snapped irritably. His dark eyes were piercing through Peter's, making him feel far more vulnerable than he had before today. Yes; this had been a mistake. "So what about me and… him?"

The smaller boy took a deep breath.

"What, umm… what happened between you two?"

The taller of the two shrugged. "What's it matter?"

Peter blinked. "Well. You were friends… and now you're enemies…"

Sirius let out a bark of laughter, leaning against the wall behind him. He raised an eyebrow and shrugged again. Desperate to get to the point of it all, Peter said hurriedly,

"As in, what did you do to upset him? I just think -"

"Hang on," Sirius interrupted, holding up a hand and shooting him with a gaze so angry that Peter wished he had gone to the toilet before speaking to him. "You think it's my fault? What has he told you?"

"N-nothing," Peter squeaked, wishing he was sitting down. His legs were feeling slightly wobbly. "I just assumed -"

"Assumed that it's all my fault that Moony's got a stick shoved so far up his arse that he can't open his mind to new things?"

Peter blinked again.

"I offered it to him, Peter. I offered him a solution and he got pissy and took it the wrong way. Closed-minded twat. Seriously, what's his problem?"

Sirius was clearly getting more and more irate, and Wormtail knew he should round it up. He had to appeal to Sirius's good side. (If there was one.)

"You offered him a solution? That was nice of you…" Peter smiled encouragingly as Sirius nodded violently. "Wh-what was it? So nice of you…"

The dark-haired, dark-eyed boy reached out and grasped Peter roughly by the shoulders, and looked him right in the eyes.

"Sex."

Another blink. "Sex…?"

"Yes, Peter. On a plate, right in front of his eyes. I offered him sex, and he freaked out and got all righteous on me. Like the pompous, mummy's boy that he is."

Peter was beginning to feel dizzy.

"You… offered Moony… sex?"

Sirius was nodding enthusiastically again, seeming to think that Peter was on his side. "I stood there and practically threw it on him. All it would've taken was one stupid 'yes', one fucking tiny confirmation and he would've had it all. No more angry, growly Remus that needs to wank himself stupid every night - instead he could've been banging one of the most gorgeous people in this damned school."

Peter nodded, only half-conscious of what Sirius was saying. He couldn't quite get his head around this… Sirius… and Moony… sex…

"Don't you think it was a good idea? A generous one, too, considering I could've had it all to myself?"

Sirius's imploring tone awakened him; was Sirius actually asking his opinion? Offering him a way into his good favour?

This was a Big Thing. Being offered a way into Sirius's good books was one of the Biggest Things that had happened to him that year, and he was suddenly torn between his own true opinions and wanting to please his most terrifying ally… he knew that if he did, in fact, agree verbally with Sirius, he would not only have to act similarly 'off' with Remus, but also had to accept something highly disturbing and extremely unexpected. It wasn't just a matter of right and wrong - it was a matter of, well, sex.

Sex between his two best friends.

It was decision time; Sirius was still grasping him by the shoulders, his eyes gazing beseechingly into Peter's - it was now or never…

"Yes. I agree."

Sirius beamed. Suddenly the sun was shining all over little Peter, filling his little heart with gladness and relief. He had said the right thing.

"I knew you would! Cheers mate."

Peter nodded, beaming back, thrilled at his good fortune! Sirius threw his arm over Peter's shoulder and pulled him toward the common-room door - the younger boy did not resist. "Where are we going?"

Sirius grinned. "Why, to find Moony of course! So you can tell him that you agree with me and that you think he should just take me up on my offer."

He began to feel dizzy again.

"A-actually, Sirius -"

If Sirius heard him, he didn't acknowledge it - and, to be fair, Peter wasn't all too sure if he should be protesting. He didn't want to see what would happen if Remus actually agreed to Sirius's proposal… he wasn't comfortable in intimate situations at the best of times, and add two of his best friends to the mix doing unspeakable things to each other…

Well, it made him come over quite faint.

Realising that through his panic Sirius had somehow managed to drag him through the common room portrait door, down three flights of stairs and now towards a door that led to the grounds, Peter felt a sudden tremor of trepidation. This was going to change everything. _Everything_. He had sought to get his friendship group back to normal, but all he was doing was opening up a can of worms -

"There he is! MOONY! HEY, MOONY!"

Was it Moony? The figure cutting a lonely figure by the Lake (where the grass was already frosting over) looked too dark, too tense for Remus. As they got closer, the grey eyes that glanced at them were shadowed, haunted, something different to the usual warm, gentle look that they emitted. His cheeks looked more pronounced, leaving him looking ethereal and wasted…

He felt a slight hesitation on Sirius's part too, leaving him to deduce that he saw it too. So what now? Would Sirius still confront Remus?

"Sirius. Peter. Is everything all right?"

The voice was slightly monotonous - Remus was actually frightening Peter a little. It wasn't as if the full moon was coming - it had literally just ended… but that was something Peter had just realised. Why hadn't Remus been taking time out in the hospital wing like usual? What on earth was happening to his friends?

He glanced up at Sirius to see what he intended to do, but rather than see the look of sympathy he had expected, instead Sirius had reclaimed the look of determination. Yep; no matter what Peter had wished desperately, Padfoot was still on the warpath.

"Just thought you ought to know that Peter thinks you're an idiot too. That you should've accepted my offering."

Moony's eyes skated slowly across to rest on Peter, taking in the smaller friend. A small flash of pity mixed with disgust - a look that made him shudder. Remus had never looked at him like that before. Maybe he should've set the record straight with Sirius rather than just go along with his plan…

"So I see. How does it feel, Peter? Siding with someone just because you're scared of them? Not caring what's right, and instead going with what's easy? Was it worth it?"

That dead gaze, the indifferent tone… it was horrifying to see on Remus, and it made Peter want to cry. He'd disappointed him, the one out of the group who would usually stick up for him, treat him like an equal - and he didn't know how to turn it back, bring them all back to the way it was. Things had changed so quickly, and it was so overwhelming that Peter was honestly torn -

"Don't be suck a dick, Remus," Sirius muttered, surprising Peter by nudging him encouragingly. "He can just see a good deal when he sees one."

"No, Sirius, I think you'll find that Peter only agreed with you to get onto your good side. Now, Peter may be a cowering idiot right now but he's certainly not a liar - so tell him, Peter. Tell him the truth."

Peter looked at Remus in horror - no, he was being completely serious. Sirius looked down at him, raising his eyebrow, expecting the wrong answer that would be right to his ears, but wrong to what Peter really believed… expecting Peter to tell him what he _thought_ was the truth, but was a lie to save little Wormtail from losing a friend…

"I "-

"Moony, there you are!" A deep, familiar voice stretched across to them, filling Peter with hope; he turned, watching James and Lily approach from the castle, fingers laced together. Light spilling from the castle lit across Lily's face, making her more like fiery-haired angel than ever… for a second, Peter was breathless, longing to be the tall, messy-haired boy with his fingers in hers, longing to be able to say, 'this girl is mine'…

He wasn't stupid. He knew it would never happen. But it was nice to dream.

"We've been looking everywhere for you. Well, I have," James corrected himself, walking amidst the little group with Lily at his side. "I ran into Lily on the way here. Turns out we were both trying to find you."

Out of the corner of his eye, Peter saw Remus's silvery eyes flash to focus on Lily's face, which was carefully tilted so that her hair shielded her eyes from view. For a second, her green eyes lifted to meet Moony's - but the instant they acknowledged that they were looking right at each other they tore their gazes away, leaving the air crackling with unfed tension. _What was that about?_ Peter wondered to himself, taking careful note to bring it up with either one of them later on. Ever-curious, he was. He couldn't help it - it was just in his nature. He saw things, all the time - people simply assumed he was too oblivious to notice. The truth was, he saw too much, too often.

"Well, we're all here now, yippee," Remus said, that dead tone the same as ever. "Let's celebrate."

James sighed; Sirius bristled. Peter cleared his throat.

"Maybe we should go inside. It's quite cold. We can get a flagon of pumpkin juice from the House Elves and -"

"Sit and put the world to rights, like usual?" Sirius interrupted, his tone suddenly harsh. "Grow up, Wormtail. We can't just go back to normal when Moony's being a complete and utter arsehole."

"No, definitely not," Remus agreed, injecting sarcasm into the deadened tone, making him quite horrendous to listen to. "We'd better sort this out once and for all. Why don't you tell everyone why we're not talking, Sirius? Make them all aware of your obsession once and for all?"

_Obsession?_ Peter mused. _I didn__'__t realise Sirius wanted him _that_ badly__…_

"Ha," Sirius barked, eyes blazing. "I'm not obsessed, Remus. Just healthy. A bit of sex never did any harm -"

"Sex?" This was Lily, her voice light and trembling slightly. "Whose had sex?"

Her eyes flew to Remus, who was carefully not looking at her.

"I have, and James has. Peter's well on his way." (Peter felt a buzz of pride at Sirius's words.) "Remus, however, has only just discovered the joys of said activity, and I, being a complete gentleman -"

"Shoved it right under my nose and told me it would 'cure' me of my 'growlyness'. Isn't that right, Padfoot?"

Sirius folded his arms, his jaw set. "Yes. And I think I'm right. You've admitted to us that it's because of the full moon that you get so damned… moody…"

"I think you'll find it's horny," James intercepted, trying to hide a grin. Lily suddenly went pale and seemed to curl into herself a little; Peter pitied her. This couldn't be easy, hearing this sort of thing, particularly when you didn't really know anyone other than James. Anyone who knew Remus from afar wouldn't expect this sort of thing of him, and it couldn't be easy. He smiled sympathetically at her, but she seemed to be in some sort of shock. James squeezed her tight to his side.

"Fine, horny, whatever - so rather than having to take care of it himself every time the full moon's coming, I offered him someone to have sex with."

Peter nodded vigorously. Now that everyone was there, what Sirius was asking of Remus didn't seem so bad. There was something about being in a group of friends that made things seem so much easier to handle.

James blinked.

"So _that_ was why…" he looked from Remus to Sirius for a second, and Peter was quite sure that he had figured out what was going on. He was surprised that James didn't seem fazed at all by it all, but deemed that James had been brought up by a kind, loving family that adored him no matter what. Maybe he was just brought up to believe that men… with men… was acceptable. "I see. Well…"

"This is pointless," Remus murmured, running his fingers through his hair. "Sirius can't see why I'm angry and I can't understand why he thinks what he did was right. We'll probably never work past this."

"So can't we just forget it?" Peter pleaded, speaking before he even had the chance to think. "Forget this ever happened? Go back to how we were…?"

They all turned to look at him, even sweet Lily.

"I miss you," he managed, before (most horrifically) he burst into noisy tears, ugly, messy tears. Each of the boys seemed to recoil, but Lily stepped forward, green eyes gentle.

"Don't cry, Peter," she soothed, wrapping her arm around his shoulders. "They're all just being stupid, stupid boys. No one even thought to ask you how you were with everything, did they?"

This just made him cry harder; finally, he had someone in the group that understood him. He buried his face into her shoulder, breathing in her clean, calming scent.

"I'm going to take Peter back inside," she said from above him, directing her words probably at James. "You guys talk it out. I don't want to see any of you until you've sorted this out."

And with that, she gently pulled him towards the castle and took him back towards the warmth, and maybe, he hoped, more hugs from Lily.


	6. Confusion

**It's practically been a year and a half, and for that I am truly sorry; I hope you enjoyed that last Chapter, I'm becoming rather fond of Peter, I must admit. Anyway! Enjoy this next chapter - explosive is definitely the right word!**

**The usual warnings. S, D and R & R. Always a possibility with the Marauders.**

**Chapter Six**

"I don't blame you for being mad at Sirius."

The silence had been unbearable, and for six whole minutes the three remaining Marauders had stood saying nothing, each staring at different places; James at the castle, Sirius at the sky and Remus across the Lake. Now, James's voice was loud after the moments of silence. Remus turned to look at James, his grey eyes meeting James's brown ones. He said nothing.

"I would've reacted the same way. Well. Maybe not as badly," he corrected himself, grinning slightly. "But then I'm not a werewolf."

Sirius pointedly continued to stare at the sky. Remus shook his head.

"There's no point pushing the point, James," he said wearily, running his fingers through his hair again. "He'll say sorry when he means it. But I appreciate what you're trying to do, regardless."

For a few moments there was silence again, awkwardly loud in the still evening. What had started out as a windy, freezing twilight was turning into a cool, tranquil night.

"Come on Sirius, mate," James cajoled gently; Remus subconsciously acknowledged the subtle change in his approach to conflict, and put it down to Lily.

_Lily…_ just the sound of her name made him feel tense, too tense - inappropriately tense considering she was the girlfriend of one of his best friends.

Sirius shrugged, shoving his hands deep into his pockets and avoiding their gazes. "I don't see why I've got to be the one that apologises. I was just trying to help his mega-horn."

The werewolf rolled his eyes, edgy in his annoyance. "Maybe next time you want to help you should do something about it _yourself_, rather than seeking out the help of others."

"You want me to wank you off instead, Moony?" Sirius's voice was scathing, full of disbelief. "Don't get me wrong Remus, you're my friend and everything but I'm really not into the whole bum-chum thing."

Throwing his hands up in the air in frustration, Remus growled low in his throat, the sound slowly escalating until it became a yell -

"FOR FUCK'S SAKE, SIRIUS! For _once_ in your life can you act like you're not a walking bucket of testosterone and instead just be my _friend_?!"

Padfoot's eyes darkened. "If you're _my _friend then maybe you should just accept that this is who I am now."

Quickly James stepped forward, raising his hands in front of both of them and letting his brown eyes flicker from one to the other, rapidly working out how much of a threat they were to each other - and to himself. "Lads, let's not go crazy -"

"Oh, stop trying to fix everything just because you're finally getting some," Remus cut in irritably, his own hand knocking James's away from him. "Just because all of your problems have been resolved with sex doesn't mean that mine can be."

Prongs' mouth set itself in a straight line.

"That's out of line, Moony. I _love_ Lily, and I'm pretty sure she loves me."

His friend shrugged bitterly. "Who cares? You're still happy because you can get laid whenever you want it, right? So what does it matter if you love her or not?"

There was no mistaking his tone. James straightened up, stepping away from Remus - and towards Sirius. "I don't know what's happened to you, Moony, but you need to get over it."

Sirius's dark head nodded in agreement. "I know I pissed you off by offering you that girl as a sex-doll but seriously, Moon, your reaction is _way_ over the top. What's the deal with this attitude problem you've suddenly developed?"

Remus turned away from them, instead looking out towards the Lake. His shoulders tensed visibly, his hands rolling into light fists as he shoved them into the pockets of his robes.

"It's just been a full moon. I can't help it."

"Yeah, but you get moody _before_ a full moon too. Are we going to have to deal with you being angry double the amount of time that we had to before?" Sirius snorted. "Because seriously mate, I don't know if it's worth it."

Moony turned slowly. "So… basically you're not willing to put up with _me_ being an asshole for about eight days a month but I have to put up with _you_ being one twenty-four seven? How is that fair, Sirius?"

"It's fair because you _knew_ what you were getting into when you first met me," his dark-haired friend replied - the truth stung a little. "You knew I was a bastard and that I wasn't going to make life easy for you, but you still went ahead and decided you could live with it."

James shuffled slightly, clearly hesitant in what he was about to say. "I hate to agree with so blunt a truth, Moony, but he's right… we all knew that Sirius was an idiot, just as we thought we knew that you were calm, easy-going, gentle Remus. Even when we figured out that you were a werewolf, we still accepted you -"

"Well I'm sorry if it's been such a difficult time for you," Remus spat. "But I think it's a pretty shit state of affairs when you can't accept who _I_ really am but expect me to accept you all with your strengths _and _weaknesses."

As James opened his mouth to reply, movement from Remus's left-hand side caught his eye; he recognised the owl that descended upon them as Lily's, a beautiful white barn owl with patches of deep, red-brown mottled against it. Soon they were all watching it as it soared towards James, landing lightly on his shoulder and dropping into his hands a small piece of parchment.

He petted the owl lightly on the head before opening the note, tilting his head slightly to one side as he read it.

A few seconds passed before Sirius interrupted his reading impatiently. "Well? What does it say?"

James glanced up at the two of them. "That Peter fell asleep and she's waiting in the common-room for us."

Something jerked within Remus's stomach. "No offence but I kind of just want to get to bed. Plus…" he sighed, trying to ignore what he was really thinking. "Plus Lily's not exactly a Marauder. This is nothing to do with her."

Again, James's mouth set in such a line that it was impossible to ignore his anger. "She's my girlfriend. She's an honourary Marauder by default."

Remus snorted. "Honourary Marauder - since when did we decide _that_? Besides," he pulled out the map which had been in his possession for a few days and let it drop to the ground. "Don't you think we're a little old for this Marauder lark? We should probably grow up and move on."

This was clearly too much for Sirius - he leapt towards Remus, grabbing him by the front of his robes and shaking him, hard. "Fucking HELL Remus, stop acting like such a c- "

"Sirius, let go!" James cried, reaching forward and prising the taller boy's hands from Remus's clothing and pushing him to the side. "What the hell are we fighting for?!"

"Because _Sirius_ doesn't know what it means to be a real friend."

"And because _Remus_ doesn't know what it really means to grow up."

"So shagging a random girl is growing up?"

"So dropping the only friendship group you've ever had is being a real friend?"

"Guys, GUYS!" Prongs stepped between them once again, rolling is eyes and shaking his head. "Seriously, you're breaking our friendship apart for no good reason! Take a look at yourselves, for crying out loud!"

Without saying another word, Remus shook his head and broke apart from the little gathering, turning and walking back toward the castle. James stepped forwards momentarily, torn between staying with Sirius and following his clearly unhappy friend - Sirius reached out and put a hand on his shoulder.

"He doesn't want to be helped right now, Prongs. That much is obvious."

James's gaze slid to Sirius. "So why did you shove a girl underneath his nose and tell him to shag her?"

Sirius snorted, folding his arms. "We all make mistakes and I don't want to be berated for it for the rest of my life - give me break, yeah?"

The other boy shrugged, his body shifting to where their friend had just departed.

"I'll give you one so long as you give _him_ one."

For a few moments they stood in silence, until -

"Might want to rephrase that, James."

**X X X X X**

As soon as he entered the common-room, he found himself staring at Lily - she had curled up on one of the sofa's opposite the roaring fire, her slender body tangled amidst her heavy winter cloak. Remus sighed, striding past her, determined not to be forced into a conversation he didn't want to have.

She stirred. "James?" Her eyes shifted upwards and met his. She froze. "Oh…"

"Yep, it's me," he replied wryly, one foot on the first step leading up towards his small dormitory. "Sorry to disappoint."

Lily shook her head slowly, her hair slipping over her shoulders and falling into her face; Remus fought the new and irritating urge to walk over to her and push it out of her eyes for her.

"Where are James and Sirius?"

He shrugged. "I left without them."

Slowly, she brought her legs up and tucked her feet underneath her, pulling the cloak tightly around her and letting her eyes drift away from him and towards the fire instead. "Okay."

He turned, frustrated by the feelings that in his eyes she had forced upon him, resolute that he would go up to his bed, sleep and maybe attempt to sort this whole mess out in the morning. He knew for a fact that he was just tired, that he hadn't let himself rest as often as usual - and that no matter what he said to Sirius, he knew he was only trying to help him out.

In his current state, this annoyed him. A lot.

He started up the stairs - Lily's voice followed him, startled.

"Where are you going?"

Remus stopped, but didn't turn. "To bed. I'm tired." He vaguely heard her shifting on the sofa, the sound of her cloak falling to the ground.

"Aren't you going to stay and talk all of this through with me?"

Slowly, tiredly, he turned to face her. "No, Lily, I'm not. The other two can fill you in. If I'm going to deal with this at all, I'm going to need at least five hours sleep first."

Tentatively, Lily took a step towards the stairs. "Why are you so unhappy?"

The question arrested him slightly. "What?"

She took another step towards him, her large eyes darting to his, her hair still tousled and falling into her face. Remus thanked Mother Nature that it wasn't the full moon, as he knew that if it were, this girl would probably not be standing upright at this moment in time.

_Damn you for even introducing the idea of having feelings for each other…_

"Why have you been so unhappy recently? I haven't seen you smile in weeks…" Her fingers reached up to her hair, tucking some behind her ear. This left her looking younger, prettier, more vulnerable. It made Remus's stomach twist violently. "I've been really worried about you. So have James and Peter, and Sirius - though he'd never admit it."

She was still moving closer.

_What is this?_ he thought to himself, somewhat horrified by the way that his own body fought against him to be closer to her. _A few weeks ago she was just Lily, my good friend Lily, lovely, clever, sweet Lily! And now…_

His emotions surged as he fought the acceptance of what he was about to admit.

_And now I WANT her._

He'd never had feelings like this before - not for anyone. Remus was almost sure that, if he searched deep down within himself, that he would discover he didn't want her nearly as much as his body was telling him he did, but part of him… part of him didn't want to find that out. He knew it was the wolf within him that was pushing for this and for _once_ he didn't want to fight against it. For once he wanted to give the wolf exactly what he was asking for.

She was close enough now that her scent drifted across him gently. Again, he thanked all that was holy that it was not full moon.

"Please talk to me, Remus. I… care about you, and your happiness."

Lily's hand, slender and delicate, reached out towards him, to touch his arm, his shoulder, his face - he didn't know. All he did know was that he was moving closer to her, moving in towards her touch -

The portrait hole swung open. "Lily? Are you in here?"

Without thought, Remus wrenched himself away from the fingertips that were only centimetres away from his cheek and backed away. Meeting her eyes for one last time that evening, he shook his head slightly and whipped himself around, ascending the stairs at an alarming rate. Practically throwing himself into the room, he collapsed on his bed and shut his eyes, breathing heavily into the silence, punctuated only by Peter's light snores.

_Get a grip, Remus. Get. A. Grip._

**X X X X X**

Lily pulled her cloak tightly around her as James and Sirius entered the room, responding a little late to James's smile and moving back towards the sofa, trying to ignore the way that her heart was racing. Although she was concerned for Remus and his recent unhappiness and general change of demeanour, she couldn't help but feel a little thrill that the particular change that had led him to lean into her touch, to move closer to her -

She forced herself back to the present. James sat on the sofa, pulling her down with him and wrapping his arms around her; she snuggled against him a little, memorising the way it felt to have his arms around her and reminding herself of why she had agreed to be his girlfriend in the first place - the warmth, the comfort, the contentment. Sirius stood in front of the, his eyes still dark.

"So what happened?" she asked, her eyes flitting from James to Sirius. Sirius shrugged, blatantly in one of his moods - James filled her in instead.

"Remus is angry at Sirius for reacting to his wolfy problems by offering him a sex-buddy rather than trying to help him out himself without any mention of sex."

She nodded slowly. "Okay…"

"And Sirius is angry at Remus because he's acting like an asshole both before the full moon and after and, rather than talk about what's going on in his mind, he's just… lashing out."

The three of them sat in silence for a while, before Lily hesitantly asked the question that had been floating around on her mind for hours. "What do you… _think_ is wrong with Remus?"

James shrugged, looking up at Sirius questioningly. "I honestly don't know. I mean, yeah, I know he's struggling with a constant hard-on four days in a month -" Lily blushed at the idea of it, pressing her hot cheek into James's shoulder. " - but other than that…"

"He's probably knackered," Sirius allowed grumpily, his hands still firmly shoved into his pockets. "It can't be easy transforming into a wolf every month - plus he has days out of the classroom that he has to catch up on. Maybe it's all just caught up with him."

Lily and James both glanced up at him in surprise. He shrugged, leaning against the edge of the fireplace and trying to look nonchalant. "What? I'm not a bastard _all_ the time you know. I do have _some _good qualities."

Smiling in part-disbelief, part-amusement, Lily pushed herself off of James and looked more intently at the two of them. Her interest in how Remus acted around a full moon had peaked, and now she wanted to know _all_ of it.

"What does he do to alleviate the… stress?"

James looked sideways at her. "You mean in the classroom or…"

Sirius raised an eyebrow. "I think she means the _other_ kind of stress, James. Remus's trouser-snake issues."

Flushing bright red, she looked away from them both, fiddling with the clasp of her cloak. "I just… it must be hard - "

"So it would seem," Padfoot laughed, grinning properly for the first time; James threw a cushion at him and Lily bit her lip in embarrassment.

"What I mean is… he must really struggle keeping his emotions under lock and key. Sure, he's got you guys to talk to and have fun with, but what about what's underneath all of that? The frustration, the anger, the sadness, the negative emotions that you all seem to run away from. Who has he got to talk to about those?"

For a few moments they sat in complete silence, before James squeezed his arms tightly around her shoulders. "You have a point, to be honest. Well done Lil." He smiled warmly down at her, before a thoughtful haze crept into his eyes. Instantly she felt wary. "Y'know… _you_ could always talk to him. When he's nearing wolf-mode, I mean. You can be there for him, talk to him about his emotions - a girl is probably better than three guys, don't you reckon?"

To her horror, Sirius started to nod. "It's not a bad idea, Evans. We could do with a feminine touch in the group anyway."

She shook her head, slowly at first but gradually working her way up to a desperate sort of movement. "But… he's _your_ friend, you should help him. What am I going to do for him that you two can't?"

Sirius winked at her - her heart stopped. Did he know of her feelings for Remus? Was he encouraging them? Would he back her up if she broke up with James to be with his best friend?

Another cushion flew across the room and hit Sirius. "Don't even suggest it, mate, she's _mine_."

James's voice was both territorial and loving at the same time, bordering on pure, unadulterated obsession - it filled Lily with an impossible mixture of warmth and terror. The way he spoke of her was how she spoke of Remus in her diary… she found herself torn between running at full speed towards the girl's dorm and wanting to snuggle up closer to James. She opted for the latter, breathing in his familiar smell. He laced his fingers through her hair, nuzzling the top of her head with his cheek.

Sirius wrinkled his nose. "Don't mind me, I'm just standing here."

Prongs grinned. "So move then."

"I intend to - got a busy day tomorrow. Operation 'make Remus love me again' will be in full force as of 10am tomorrow morning." He rolled his eyes, pushing himself away from the fireplace and walking casually towards the bedroom. "What's the betting that he bites my face off?"

"He could bite your dick off, that'd be far worse."

Sirius flashed a grin towards James. "I'd never let him get close enough. I'm all for close friendships and all, but I draw the line at a blow-job from my wolfy best friend." He winked, again, at Lily. She tensed. "Night, you two."

Lily watched as he made his way up the stairs, casual and confident as ever - James's finger lightly tilted her head so that she was looking at him, his dark brown eyes warm with adoration as her eyes met his.

The familiar warmth spread through her.

"So what do you want to do now?"

**X X X X X**

Stripping off his robes, Sirius stood at the foot of his bed in his boxers; he rubbed his hand tiredly over his face, running his fingers through his hair and staring into the dark at nothing.

As much as he'd like to pretend otherwise, he was seriously concerned about Moony.

Slowly and as quietly as he possibly could, he slid over to the other side of the room to where Remus lay, eyes shut and breathing deeply, clearly in the deepest of sleeps. He stared down at his best friend, taking in the dark circles underneath his eyes, his slightly more angular face, his pale complexion… his stomach jarred as he closed his eyes to fight away the image.

"I'm sorry Moony," he whispered, leaning against one of the posts on his friend's best. "I know I'm a bastard and a bit of a fuck-up, but… I really was just trying to help."

Sirius opened his eyes again, only to find Remus looking directly at him.

They stared at one another for a few seconds.

"I know."


	7. Impressions

_I'm almost scared to update this after so long... does anyone even remember this fic? XD Well, I suppose I'll find out soon enough. Two years later, I give you... CHAPTER SEVEN! The usual warnings, always read the label. _

**Chapter Seven – Impressions**

Though he couldn't say that things had returned completely to normal, Remus knew that his friendship with Sirius was at least on the road to healing itself – that, he supposed, was the best that he could hope for.

He had known all along that Sirius had simply fallen victim to his usual fault – thoughtlessness – and in all honesty he couldn't see any decent reason not to forgive him; yes, he was still frustrated that his friend seemed to think his pre-wolfy happiness would be linked to sex (because apparently that was Sirius's go-to cure, even for himself) but then, why would he think any differently? None of his friends even had the slightest clue quite how he felt before a full moon, nor during it, so to expect Sirius to understand off the bat kind of made it Remus's fault. Sort of. He wasn't going to _completely_ take the blame, but he could at least accept his part in it. He had said as much to his friend a few nights previously after their confrontation at the lake:

**X X X**

"_I know."_

_Sirius's eyes had widened slightly, relief obvious as he absorbed his friend's admission. "Really?"_

_Remus nodded, sitting up and sighing as he took in the genuine remorse in his best friend's face. "Yes, Padfoot, I know. I mean, don't get me wrong or anything, I'm still pissed off at you for thinking you could just fix it by throwing a random girl at me and hoping for the best, but…"_

"_But?"_

"_But you're my best friend, Sirius. I know you wouldn't do something like that to intentionally annoy me and, despite your crappy way of showing it, I know that what you were really doing was trying to help the situation. I probably have known it all along, really, but I was angry at you and had to get it out of my system. If I'm being honest, I should probably been more understanding to the fact that none of you really get it, and why would you? Why would you have any clue what it's like? I just... it's not about sex. It's really not. It's just... it's hard around the full moon."_

_Remus took it as a great sign that the only immoderate response to what could have been the most obvious sexual innuendo was a twitch at the edge of Padfoot's lips. "Yeah, I know. I know, mate, and I wish there was more I could do to help. That's why – well, that girl. That's why I found her for you. I thought it would make it easier if you could have someone to direct your wolfy needs at."_

"_You don't have to do anything more than you already do," Remus said with a shake of his head, only realising at this moment how much he meant the words. "You became an Animagus for me, you studied night and day and forced yourself to accomplish some stupidly advanced magic just so that you could keep me company during my transformations. That's _more_ than enough, Padfoot. You don't need to find someone for me to shag to prove that you care – you've already proven that to me tens of times before now."_

_A slight flush worked its way up Sirius's neck as he took this in. "Well, y'know… we all did it, not just me…"_

"_Yeah, but considering at the time you still weren't sure about me being in your little friendship group -" _

"_That's not true," Sirius interrupted, flopping down onto his own bed and facing Remus with the colour from his neck creeping further to his cheeks, "not at all, Moony. I was never really against it from the start – I mean, at least, I liked you. You seemed cool, all quiet and mysterious and stuff. Not like me and James, loud and obnoxious to the point of arrogance."_

_Remus couldn't help but feel surprised. "You're not arrogant!"_

_Sirius laughed. "Yeah I am, but that's all right with me. I've always been a bit of a dick."_

"_Sirius -"_

"_My point is that the only problem I ever had with you was that you were so secretive, you never really gave anything away. It made me nervous to be around someone like you who could so easily hide what they were thinking." He stopped for a moment, musing over his own words. "Not to mention I was probably a bit possessive over James. He was my first friend at Hogwarts and everything, I didn't want you coming in and taking him off of me or whatever."_

_A half smile ghosted Remus's pale face. "It wasn't my intention. If you remember, I was against the friendship even more than I thought you were."_

"_That's because you're a decent person," Sirius said frankly, shrugging. "You didn't want us mixed up with – and this is a direct quote – 'someone like you'. Which was stupid. You being a werewolf was one of the coolest things that ever happened to our group."_

_Remus grimaced, not sure how to take this summary of his situation. "I wouldn't put it like that. It kind of ruined my life."_

_A frown cast itself over the usual sunny features of his best friend, dark eyes clouding over with consternation. "D'you feel that way now? That it's ruined your life?"_

"_Well, yes. I don't want to be a werewolf. I would give up almost anything to get rid of that part of myself." Remus tore his eyes away from his friend. "I'd give so much just to be… normal."_

"_Remus, mate…" Sirius sighed, staring openly at the boy across the room from him; he pushed himself off of the bed and was suddenly sitting beside Remus, close enough that their arms nudged slightly. "You being a werewolf was essentially what pushed us into being friends – you and me, I mean! You confessing it, it was that push I needed to stop being so damned stubborn and to just accept that you were a part of my life whether I wanted you to be or not. It made you less of a weird, quiet spectre that I didn't understand and instead made you someone I could relate to. Someone who had secrets and was just trying to make the best of it."_

_Another laugh escaped Remus, though this one was far less bitter and full of disbelieving amusement. "Sirius, no secret you could possibly hold could even match up to mine, so don't even _go_ there!"_

"_I'm just saying," Sirius said, scowling slightly, "that once you divulged your deepest, darkest secret it kind of made you seem more human to me. And I know it's a juxtaposition considering what you are, so don't say it, but it's just how it is."_

"_So…" Remus began slowly, realising what this could mean, "…you became my friend just because I was suddenly interesting? Because of being a werewolf?"_

"_No!" his friend growled, clearly frustrated that Remus wasn't getting it. "I mean that because you TOLD me that you were a werewolf I realised that we could be friends!"_

_Staring at Sirius, Remus could not process it. At all. "I don't understand."_

"_You're really stupid sometimes, Moony."_

"_I certainly feel like it right now. My head's throbbing, trying to understand your weird logic."_

_A warm hand closed over his shoulder, surprising him; he finally looked back up and into Sirius's eyes, seeing them wide and more full of honesty than he had ever seen them throughout their entire friendship. He found it oddly comforting, despite his confusion of Sirius's explanations so far._

"_You trusted me. That's why we're friends. And if you hadn't been a werewolf, you wouldn't have had a secret to tell. So… I guess what I'm trying to say…" He gave Moony's shoulder a slight squeeze. "I guess I'm trying to tell you that I'm glad you're a werewolf. Otherwise you'd be just another face in the crowd."_

_Against his better judgement, Remus allowed a small smile to curve his lips, though for the life of him he would never let Sirius know just how touched he was at the odd sentiment. "I suppose that's meant to make me feel better about my… condition?"_

"_Yes," Sirius said simply, his hand still on Moony's shoulder. "It is."_

_Remus did not break the eye-contact with his best friend; there was something so real about this moment, so much deeper and more meaningful than any moment they'd ever shared… though it was disconcerting to hear Sirius spout words of seemingly pure emotion, it was so rewarding, so surprising, so needed. Meeting Sirius's gaze seemed to strengthen it, binding them to a new sort of understanding of each other, and he didn't want to ruin it by making it awkward. Then again, maybe the eye-contact itself was, in fact, awkward. Actually, now that he was thinking it, it was DEFINITELY awkward, it had been almost a whole minute and they were still staring at each other – _

_Sirius's lips moved; Remus's eyes flickered to them and back to his friend's eyes, knowing he had missed the words thanks to his own obsessive thought processes. "Sorry, what?"_

_Sirius grinned. "I said, does it?"_

"_Does it what?"_

_Sirus's eyes rolled at Moony's lack of understanding, his gaze tearing away – Remus felt a strange surge of panic turn over in his stomach at the new lack of eye-contact, not wanting to lose this moment with his friend, so sure he had been these last few days that he had lost the friendship entirely that it seemed the only thing he could latch onto to remind himself that it still lingered. Without thinking, his hands reached out and grabbed Sirius by both shoulders, fingers clamping down and surprising even himself with their strength; Sirius's mouth popped open, startled, his grey eyes flying up to glare at Remus – _

"_Moony, wh -"_

"_Does it what?" Remus repeated, a slight edge of desperation creeping into his voice as he attempted to take them back to before and how it had felt. "Does it what?"_

_Mouth hanging open slightly, Sirius seemed as momentarily confused as Remus had been mere seconds before; he seemed to make a move to extricate himself from his friend's grasp but, as his shocked glare lessened and he took in the heat and determination of the stare forcing itself on his, he stilled. For a few moments he stayed silent, his eyes searching Remus's for understanding._

_Seemingly finding nothing, he finally replied. "I… I asked, does it make you feel better?"_

_But Remus had forgotten what they had been discussing just moments before; instead he took in the feel of his friends warm hand upon his shoulder, the earnest tone of Sirius's voice, the feel of safety and security beneath his palms as he gripped his best friend as hard as he could without hurting him and, lastly, the satisfaction that flooded his body as the same surge of connection cascaded over him at the regained eye-contact._

"_Yes."_

**X X X**

Of course, once James had burst in and looked at them in a way that made him feel as if he'd been caught doing something he shouldn't have, his hands had ripped themselves from Sirius's shoulders and had announced that though his friend was still an ass, he was at least a well-meaning one. Peter, creeping in behind James, had cast a wary gaze at the two boys on the bed – though perhaps he hadn't taken it quite the way James had, as a momentary twinkle of understanding had alighted behind his curious eyes – and Remus had finally been able to extend a well-deserved apology to them both, not only for acting like a twat to Sirius but also for taking it out on them. He promised, as earnestly as he could, that he wouldn't do so again.

A few days on and everything appeared, for all intents and purposes, to be all right again. James seemed to be spending a little less time with Lily in order to spend it with the Marauders, something that Moony figured was to ensure that their little group really _were_ as they should be – he could hardly blame him, the whole debarcle had shaken them all up and made them realise just how much they could stand to lose should they argue again. Peter seemed the most changed by the whole thing... more accurately, he had somehow managed to break past being the butt of all of their jokes and instead had managed to come into his own a little more. Rather than trailing a little behind them all as he had once did, he now had a firm spot beside Remus in their flowing line; odder still, he seemed to be getting on a hell of a lot better with Sirius. Though the darker haired boy still teased him, there was a stronger sense of warmth there, a genuine affection where there had once been scorn.

Watching the two of them now, the four of them sitting in the Great Hall for dinner after a difficult Friday (Transfiguration in particular had thrown them all in the deep end), he couldn't help but wonder what had caused the change. As Remus chewed thoughtfully on his piece of chicken, Peter started laughing, shaking his head fervently at something Sirius had said to him; the latter started to nudge him with his elbow, winking, clearly egging him on. James, seeming to notice their new-found camaraderie just as Remus had, called across the table to them:

"Oi, what are you two giggling like girls at? Don't leave us out!"

Sirius grinned. "Oh, I was just regaling Peter with a few of my best seduction techniques. Told him he should try some of them on that Hufflepuff he got a handjob from."

Peter's own face, though bright red, was also beaming. "He's being ridiculous, some of his ideas are just _disgusting_..."

"You know you want to try them, though," Sirius said, nudging him again. "Go for it, see if they work! You deserve a little one-on-one with a girl, Wormtail, you'd be a total catch if you just showed a little confidence."

James and Remus shared a look; did Sirius actually just _compliment_ Peter?

"Anyway," Sirius continued, turning back to face the other two, "do you guys have plans tonight? I was thinking we could sneak into the kitchens later, see if the House Elves have any Butterbeer, maybe crack some open and have an all-nighter in the common room?"

Remus shook his head. "I won't be able to make it straight away, guys, I've got a catch-up Transfiguration session. Shouldn't last more than a couple of hours, though, I can always join you a bit later."

Sirius nodded. "Fair enough. James?"

"As long as you don't mind me bringing Lily? We were going to go for a walk through the grounds after dinner, but if you don't mind her coming we can just hang out with you guys tonight."

Peter seemed delighted. "Of course you can bring her! We love Lily!"

It slipped out before Remus even considered his words. "Do we?"

All three of them turned to stare at him.

"Don't you like her, Remus?" James frowned, putting his fork down next to his plate. "I thought you guys got on all right, she talks about you all the time -"

"Of course I like her," Remus quickly intercepted, forcing a smile, cursing himself for his stupidity. "She's great, I just figured that we were, er, leaving the 'loving' up to you."

The other three laughed, Prongs looking incredibly relieved. "Yeah, I'd appreciate that; Peter, don't go try stealing my girlfriend away from me, y'hear?"

Peter flushed pink again. "I only meant that -"

"He's just joking, Wormtail, don't get your knickers in a twist. So, James, provided that Lily's cool with it...?"

"We'll be there," James confirmed, taking a gulp of pumpkin juice. "With bells on."

_Great,_ Remus thought gloomily, his eyes carefully avoiding the flash of red hair he had seen coming towards them, _a whole evening of watching those two paw at each other. Faaaantastic._

**X X X**

One of the things Lily loved most about being James's girlfriend was that, by default, she was a part of the funniest group of people she had ever come across in her entire life. Sirius, after working his way through impressions of the Hogwarts professors, was now doing the most excellent impression of a Venomous Tentacular she'd seen in a good long while whilst James rocked back and forth with laugher beside her and Peter fell out of his chair in fits of giggles; her own face was hurting from the amount of grinning she was doing, something she'd never experienced before. Before too long she was practically gasping for breath as her hair fell into her eyes, the chokes of laughter forcing their way out of her as she leaned forward and clutched at the aching muscles in her stomach.

"Oh god, oh god, Sirius, please stop..." She began to cough, the sound coming from her throat bizarrely mixed with the laughter that still bubbled out of her throat. "I can't breathe, you have to stop!"

"Never!" he crowed, still moving his face in grotesque shapes, his arms waving around in the scarily accurate representation of the horrible plant. James, who had started to calm down, started to laugh again, his hand reaching out and grasping her leg as he tried to keep himself upright – she didn't mind, she rather liked it when he touched her with such familiarity. She found herself calming down instantly, her laugher becoming simply a fond smile as she looked down at the hand on her bare skin – after all, what was an all-nighter without pyjamas? The boys, wearing an assortment of mismatched t-shirts and shorts, had all stared at her as she had emerged from the girls dorms wearing the long-sleeved pale pink top and the white cotton pyjama shorts; she was suddenly painfully aware of her porcelain skin on show, though what they would have said if she'd worn the matching white and frilly little camisole that went with the shorts she didn't know.

It's not like she had dressed to make an impact or anything, she'd just forgotten, for a moment, that they were teenage boys. She would have happily changed into something less revealing had it not been for James pulling her aside and whispering in her ear that he'd never seen her looking so beautiful. Remembering the slight twinkle in his eyes made her shiver, in a nice way. She liked it when he told her she was beautiful, pretty, gorgeous. It made her believe it.

After what felt like hours, she finally managed to stop clutching her stomach. "Merlin's pants, Sirius, I need the toilet now! All that laugher, not to mention, I don't know, six Butterbeer's? Seven?"

"Only five," James said with a grin, "but you're tiny, so you probably have an equally tiny bladder."

"I'm kind of hungry too," she said with a glance around at the empty packets of food that the boys had already scoffed, "is there anything left?"

Sirius began poking through the rubbish. "Err, I think there was a pack of cookies here somewhere -"

"I ate those," Peter whispered as his hands flew up to his mouth, looking horrified. "I'm so sorry, Lily, I didn't realise you hadn't eaten anything!"

She smiled at him, pushing James's hand off of her leg and standing up. "It's all right, I can just pop down to the kitchens and get something else -"

"You're not going on your own," James protested, looking up at her with wide dark eyes, "I'll come with you!"

"Don't be ridiculous," she said warmly, reaching out and brushing a stray lock of hair away from his forehead. "I'll be five minutes. When I get back, Sirius, I expect your very best impression of me, okay?"

She left them all practising their impressions, smiling slightly to herself as she padded towards the portrait and pressed her hands to it to push it open. She really couldn't believe how much fun she'd had so far, nor how easy it was to join in with their jokes and their laughter; though she loved her girl-friends and knew she could talk about all the things she wouldn't even discuss with James with them, as well as have many giggling fits (though nowhere near as many as she'd now seen Peter succumb to), there was something incredibly special about how they made her feel and, evidently, how she was now coming to feel about them.

Still smiling as she pushed open the portrait and climbed down, she found herself suddenly thrown like a deer into headlights as she came smack-bang face to face with the light brown eyes of the boy she'd managed to think about not even once that evening. The breath left her body.

"Re-Remus!"

But he was already moving past her, about to climb into the portrait, no word at all for her; both hurt and anger throbbed through her, instantly forgetting her hunger and her need to visit the toilet. She reached out and grabbed the edge of his robes, pulling them.

"Wait a minute -"

He shook his arm hard, shaking her off, still not even glancing her way. "Leave me alone, Lily."

The anger overtook the hurt. "What is _wrong_ with you? I thought you'd gotten over the whole ragey-wolf thing!"

Remus stopped his ascent into the portrait hole, resting a hand on the edge. Still he would not face her. "Don't talk about things you don't understand. And yes, I _am_ over it. I've made up with the others and everything is fine. Now, if you'll excuse me -"

"Why are you being so distant with me, Remus? What have I done?" Her tone was still full of passionate frustration, yet she knew the words were pitiful. "What happened to us?"

She couldn't fail to notice his hand clench, knuckles turning pale; it alarmed her. He did not answer.

Lily tried again. "If you just tell me what I've done I can try and do something to fix it. I can fix us."

"There's nothing to fix. There is no... _us_. Kindly... kindly refrain from deluding yourself into thinking there's more to this than an acquaintanceship, all right? Just let it go and move on." He slowly unclenched his hand and hoisted himself up into the small opening. "Goodnight, Lily."

Fire threaded through her and pushed the words out before she could stop them. "Why are you calling me deluded? You're the one who almost kissed me the other night -"

Jumping down from the portrait hole and reaching for her, his hands clamped tight over her arms as his eyes darkened and flashed; his fury was hot as fiendfyre, as clear as Veritaserum. She felt emotion tremble through her as he moved his face close to hers, and though she knew it should be fear that now locked her limbs in place she was well aware that it was something far more dangerous.

When his words came, they were hot against her skin.

"Don't you say that again, you hear me? Don't you ever make any mention of _anything_ like that, _ever_ again. Not at all, not ever!"

He shook her, once; though it was hardly a violent movement, her head jerked back and a small whimper escaped her lips.

Remus had not finished. "Your childish little admission the other day has messed everything up royally, do you not realise that? James is my best friend, my _best friend_, and you being all sweet and kind and practically telling me you want me in whatever way your hormones are telling you has screwed my head up in a big way, do you get that? I'm not just a teenage boy, Lily, my feelings aren't as easily blown away as anyone else's. You tell me once that you think of me in any other way than as your boring little friend Remus and that's my imagination gone wild every damned time we're near a full moon. Do you know how hard that is? Do you know how dangerous for you that is?"

She could not speak, she could only shake her head.

"Not once had I thought of you that way, not _once_, but now that you've mentioned it just that teeny tiny time I'm suddenly out of control every time you come anywhere near me – look at me! It's not even a full moon and I've got you cornered in the god damned corridor!"

The realisation of this seemed to strike him as he said it; he instantly let go of her arms, stepping away from her rapidly and shaking his head violently from side to side. Her arms where he had held her were numb for now, and would no doubt bruise later – it was all she could think about, the numbness, for she knew that if she thought of him or of anything else he had said she would most likely break down in tears... or worse, throw herself at him...

"I... I'm sorry, Lily. I'm sorry." He was taking deep breaths, his eyes avoiding hers. "I don't know why I did that, why... I hurt your arms, didn't I?"

She found her voice, though it was tiny. "No."

His eyes flew up to hers; the remorse in his almost-hazel eyes was astoundingly sharp against her heart. "I did, didn't I? Lily -"

"You're wrong," she whispered, shaking her own head slowly. "You didn't hurt my arms. You didn't hurt my body."

"Lily, I -"

"You hurt me here," she interrupted, her hand moving jerkily to place itself over her chest, eyes shining in the dimly lit corridor. "You hurt me here, Remus."

His mouth worked silently for a moment, confusion clouding his eyes. "I don't... I don't understand, what do you mean?"

Lily took a step towards him, straightening up to her full height – not that it made much of a difference when compared to him, but it was enough to make her feel more confident. "You hurt me by not telling me this before. You hurt me by making me feel like I meant nothing to you. Most of all, you hurt me because you assume that any of what you have to say will make any difference to me and James."

Remus looked taken aback, his face turning even paler than usual. "I thought... I thought that you wanted me? The... the way that James wants you?"

She wouldn't lie – after all, what use would that be, having more secrets? "I do. I do want you that way." A tear fell from the corner of her eye, surprising her; she laughed lightly, wiping it away with the cuff of her jumper. "God, look at me, crying like an idiot."

"No, you're not an idiot -"

"I do want you, Remus," she clarified, meeting his gaze as bravely as she could, "and I won't deny that, not to you at least. But I want him too, and the way that I want him hurts me so much less than the way I want you."

Was that... _hurt_ that flashed across his eyes? Or had the flames simply flickered in a different way? Lily was not sure, but she knew from the way that his lips had set into that small, controlled smile of understanding that this conversation was coming to an end and that he had made up his mind about something.

He stepped away until the portrait was left open for her.

"You should probably get back in there. They're going to be wondering where you've gone." His tone was calm, cool. She didn't particularly like it.

"Aren't you coming with me? Don't you have anything you want to say about what I've just said?" She folded her arms across herself, suddenly cold. "Anything at all?"

Remus shook his head. "I think... that I've said far too much already. I need to go for a walk or something, clear my head."

Disappointment flooded through her veins. "But -"

"I'm not saying that I won't have something to say to you eventually," he said quietly, "but not right now. Not today. If I say anything now it'll still be all... messy. It's all very messy."

Her hand reached out to him of its own accord. "Remus..."

"Please," he pleaded gently, stepping even further from her than he had already been, "please just go back inside. Go back inside to James – and I mean that in a nice way," he added, widening his eyes slightly as if to accentuate the point. "I want you to go back in there, snuggle up in his arms and remember what it feels like to be loved the way he clearly loves you. Because that's what you deserve."

She could only say his name. "Remus -"

"I really have to go, Lily, I need some space. But I'll come back later and sometime soon... sometime soon I'll find you, and we'll talk. Soon."

At that, he turned away from her and started his way down the corridor in the direction in which he'd probably come in the first place, his attention already focused on where he was headed to. She watched his departure with a knot in her stomach, her trembling hands – gosh, they were suddenly so cold! - reaching up to cup her own face between them. As he moved out of sight, her eyes slowly fluttered shut.

Ten minutes ago she'd been deliriously happy and here she was now, alone, cold and drained.

_What am I going to do?_

**X X X END OF CHAPTER SEVEN X X X**

_For anyone who is currently concerned that a) there's no slash so far and b) that it seems like it's heading towards Remus/Lily rather than Remus/Sirius, chill out my lovelies: I don't write short fics. It'll happen. ;)_


	8. Christmas Eve: Part One

_What's this? Another update? THAT'S RIGHT, SIRUPIN LOVERS, I AM UPDATING TWICE IN TWO FREAKIN' DAYS. You want some more? YOU WANT SOME MORE?! ARRGHWARRDGDGGH TOO MUCH SUGAR PLS ENJOY THIS CHAPTER._

_Read and review! Alas, if you don't review, I still love you. I can't help myself._

_One last thing: apologies for mistakes so far, like the wrong colour eyes for Remus and Sirius (which are now correct in these newer chapters) and the fact that although they're in their fifth year – when Lily still hates James in the books – the pair of them are dating in this fic. Pure idiocy on my part. Still, hope you enjoy it regardless._

**Chapter Eight – Christmas Eve: Part One**

Christmas seemed to be approaching the Marauders with a fierce determination, and it was only as it hit December 16th that Remus realised he hadn't bought any presents for his friends – not a single one. Full of pre-Yuletide panic, he had instantly signed up for the next visit to Hogsmeade and sent an owl to his parents, begging for money.

Luckily for him, in the very early hours of the morning of the Hogsmeade visit, Oswald (the family owl) had woken him from the window with a baleful hoot and a reproachful gaze, snow covering his feathers enough to make him seem almost double his size. He leapt out of bed, quietly padding to unlatch the window whilst taking care not to wake the others; carefully he let the owl hop into the dormitory, his leg already outstretched in impatience as Remus took his sweet time to close the window in order to keep the constant flurry of snow from flying in. Attached to Oswald's leg was a little velvet pouch which, as Remus hurried to untie it, was filled with an assortment of Knuts, Sickles and – though there weren't many – Galleons. He smiled down gratefully at the pouch, pulling a little handwritten note from within and reading it quickly:

_Dear Remus,_

_Find enclosed an added total of five Galleons. I hope that this money finds you well and that you and your friends are having a good year so far. Your mother says to stay out of trouble, but as you and I both know, no fun is to be had without a little trouble at the heart of it. Just be sure that no matter what you get up to you always remember the safety of others, as well as yourself. (Not that I need to tell you this, but now that your mother has seen what I'm writing she insists I put it in.)_

_Everything is fine here and we're all ready for having your grandparents over for Christmas dinner. I am sure that you are absolutely heartbroken that you plan to stay at Hogwarts this year, as I know how much joy you get from the judging gaze of your mother's parents. I am also now told to write that I am sure you miss them dearly and that they would, your mother is sure, appreciate a Christmas note from you. My advice, of course, is not to bother. You would only hear that you are probably too thin and need to eat more potatoes._

_As usual, don't worry about sending us gifts. This is all we can spare to you this year, as things have been – as they usually are – quite tight. Just spend the money on whatever you want. Though I know you to be as kind as your mother, so I expect you'll spend it all on your friends. I hope they know how lucky they are to have you._

_Got a girlfriend yet?_

_Your mother now tells me that I'm too nosey, so I'll leave you to your Hogsmeade trip and simply say that I hope you enjoy the lead up to Christmas and that you should look out for our owl on the 24th for your gift._

_Stay safe, son, and have a good weekend. Speak to you soon._

_Dad ((and Mum, who sends lots of hugs and love, which would explain where my hugs and love are going to!)_

Remus put the letter aside, grinning to himself as he imagined his mum batting his dad over the head at his last comment; if there was one thing he had learned from his parents, it was – and he was aware of how corny it seemed – that no matter how difficult things were, it made all the difference to have someone who loved you by your side. His parents were constantly worrying about money, breaking into mini-arguments at the slightest mention of bills, but in the moments when they thought that Remus was distracted elsewhere he would catch them holding hands in the kitchen or sharing a quick but tender kiss as they passed each other in the hallway. He supposed it wasn't so far from his group of friends here, when he thought about it; even when things were crap, they were still stronger as a unit and happy to be so.

His father may well say that he hoped his friends were aware of their luck in a friendship with Remus, but Remus knew that he was probably the luckier one to have friends like _them_.

Rolling his eyes at his own sentimentality (which was something that Christmas _always_ seemed to inspire from within him), he rolled up the note and pushed it under his pillow before leaning over and grabbing a spare bit of parchment from in-between the pages of one of his textbooks and quickly scribbling a reply:

_Dear Dad (and Mum, to which the love and hugs are dutifully returned),_

_Thanks so much for the money; I'll try and spend a little on myself, but all I can panic about right now is the fact that it's only a few days until Christmas and I haven't spent a single Knut on presents. As usual I'll ignore your request for no gifts and you can also expect my present to you on the 24th. You have only yourselves to blame – you raised me this way! Equally I extend my request that you spend whatever money you had planned to spend on me on yourselves instead, but no doubt I'll be giving my usual exasperated but (of course) grateful sigh when Oswald arrives on Christmas Eve._

_I'll write to Grandmother and Grandfather just as soon as I can, don't worry. I rather like being told I look too thin around Christmas, especially after the amount of food I've already eaten and still intend to eat!_

_No girlfriend as of yet, but still causing plenty of trouble – or, more accurately, I'm stuck in the middle of it whilst my friends do all the causing. Not good when I have a Prefect badge to protect. Still, reassure Mum that I'm behaving well enough for Professor Dumbledore and that I'm doing quite well in my classes so far. I expect I'll manage to scrape Acceptable's in everything, if not higher._

_Have a good holiday and I look forward to hearing from you soon._

_Remus_

He tied the letter to Oswald's leg and pulled the window open once more to let the owl leave. As soon as he closed the window, a voice spoke sleepily into the darkness.

"Whass happenin'? S'cold!"

Remus barely suppressed a grin as Sirius sat up in bed and pulled his blankets tighter around him; though he couldn't see his friend, he could hear the gentle rustling noise and the creaking of wood. "Don't worry, Padfoot. Go back to sleep."

"Ugh," his friend groaned, not whispering as Moony had done but talking as if the rest of the room was awake. "What time is it?"

"Shh, you'll wake the others." He hazarded a guess. "Half past four, maybe?"

Sirius threw himself back down on the bed with a loud 'thwump'. "What are you doing awake? Didn't interrupt something, did I?"

Remus's grin turned into a scowl that Sirius could not see. "Don't be a prat, I just got a owl from my parents is all."

"A likely story," Sirius mumbled sleepily, the smile on his face evident from his tone. "I'll just go back to sleep and you can get back to your wank, Reemy, don't you worry yourself."

"I'm not wanking!" Remus protested loudly, earning himself a loud snorting snore from Peter's bed and a similar snort of laughter from Sirius's huddle of blankets; he half-smiled despite himself, shaking his head. He lowered his voice to almost a whisper. "I'm not wanking, Sirius, I'm just going back to sleep. You should do the same." He thought for a moment. "And stop thinking about me doing myself. It's disturbing how much you seem to consider it."

"Well imagine how awkward it'd be if we were both wanking at the same time, Moony! I had to check!"

The meaning of Sirius's words hit him full force, a mixture of disgust and amusement welling up in him as the idea of it. "Fucking hell, Sirius, I don't want to know that! I don't want to know! Keep your wank-diary to yourself, and at least wait until I've fallen back asleep before you carry on!"

"I wasn't doing anything," Sirius said, his voice still full of laughter (though at least his voice had quietened), "but I might now. You know how persistent morning wood is."

"Ugh! Sirius!"

"You can join in if you want, I don't really care so long as you don't call out my na-"

Remus half-covered his ears. "What is _wrong_ with you? I'm not going to whack one off whilst you do yourself, Sirius, that's just... no! Ugh, _ugh_, I'm going back to sleep, into a really deep sleep, okay? Give it ten minutes and then you can bash one just as much as you like, just _please_ let me fall asleep first!"

Another snort. "Fine, if that's what you really want."

Slamming himself down onto his pillow and pulling the duvet up and over his face, Remus forced his eyes closed and willed himself to fall asleep; naturally, no matter how hard he tried, he was suddenly more awake than he usually was at nine in the morning and horribly aware of the gentle rustling noises coming from Sirius's bed. After a few minutes of this, he could bear no more.

"I thought you were going to wait ten minutes!"

Sirius's voice was muffled. "I'm not doing it, mate, I'm just trying to get comfortable."

"Hmm." Remus let the room fall silent once more. For a few more minutes they both lay in silence, both obviously now wide awake, Sirius still shuffling and Remus lying as still as he possibly could so as not to give his best friend the wrong idea. After a while, Sirius spoke out in a hushed murmur.

"Are you asleep yet?"

"No."

A moment of hesitation. "Sorry for kidding around earlier. About morning-wood and wanking and stuff. I know it's different for you than it is for me."

Remus shrugged, though he knew his friend couldn't see it. "It's all right. Full moon approaching and everything, so I'm probably just as horny as you are."

Silence met this comment and Moony was instantly embarrassed for having said something so odd, particularly after the not-so-distant arguments of before. He instantly apologised.

"That was a weird thing to say, sorry."

Silence once again filled his ears; had Sirius fallen asleep? He hoped that perhaps he had, and that he hadn't heard what Remus had said – but no, a small cough and laugh carried across the quiet room as Sirius seemed to shift once more underneath his bedclothes.

Finally the boy spoke. "I think it's because it's dark."

"What?" Remus's confusion was evident. "What do you mean?"

"You said it because it's dark. Like, when it's dark it's always a lot easier to say what you want to say, don't you think? When we're all in the common room together, just the fire lit, the stuff we talk about... we wouldn't be able to say half that stuff if it were daytime."

Oddly, it made sense. "Hmm. I suppose so."

A few more moments of silence, though this time it felt far more comfortable than before.

Remus spoke again, keeping his voice low. "Did you really mean what you said before?"

"I say a lot of things, mate, most of them painfully true... but what bit are you talking about?"

He hesitated. "The bit... no, don't worry. Oh, okay, the bit where you said about not caring if I... y'know."

Sirius's voice was frustratingly innocent. "What on earth are you talking about, Moony?"

"You know..." Remus growled lightly under his breath at Sirius's obvious intent to force him to say it, his cheeks burning hot in the cold air of the room. "About before. How you wouldn't care about me joining in so long as I didn't... call out your name."

The room was so still and hushed that for a moment he wondered if he'd even spoken aloud; he started to count his breaths in and out, trying to calm the sudden fast beating of his heart against his ribcage. He'd never asked such a question before in his life, and it mortified him that he'd even wondered – he quickly spoke, changing his mind about wanting to hear an answer, but as he did Sirius replied quietly at exactly the same time -

"Forget it, forget I asked -"

"I don't think it would bother me."

Remus's mouth went dry, and he was suddenly painfully aware of his pre-moon Mr. Happy nestling deep under the covers. "I... okay."

When Sirius spoke, he sounded oddly far away. "I mean, when you've got to do it... sometimes it doesn't matter who's around, does it? You just have to do it, get it out of your system. If that means we end up on the same wank-schedule, well... I guess that's just how it'll have to be. I'm not going to judge you for doing it, it's not like you're going to be thinking of me whilst you do it."

"You've got that right," Remus muttered; Sirius laughed softly.

"Not that I'd blame you if you did. I am the hottest bloke you know."

"True as that may be, Sirius, the fact that you're a bloke at all is enough to discourage me." Remus grinned into the darkness. "Let's face it, if either one of us is thinking of the other during 'private time' it's going to be you thinking of me."

"What?" Sirius cried, earning the same snorting snore from Peter as Remus had during his outburst earlier. "How'd you work that out?!"

Remus popped his head out from underneath his covers and glanced over at the direction of Sirius's bed, still grinning. "Well, you've mentioned _me_ wanking a fair few times now, Padfoot, enough that it's given me the impression that you think about it _far_ more than I do -"

"I don't imagine you _doing_ it or anything -"

"Oh really?" It was payback time. "Remember when you first told me that Peter had heard me doing it? How you tackled me on the bed and held me down as you groaned and moaned into my ear?"

"Mate," Sirius whispered weakly, seeming flummoxed, "mate, that was just -"

"_Oh... oh fuck... oh god, yes..."_ Remus was enjoying tormenting his friend far too much. "Tell me, how often do you think of me wanking, Padfoot? How often do you think of me writhing and twisting between the sheets -"

"Moony, what the fuck?" his friend said in a strangled voice, shifting again beneath his blankets. "What's gotten into you?"

"Payback, _mate_," Remus whispered, victorious to the last syllable, "for when you did it to me. Taste bitter, does it?"

"You're a bastard," Sirius said, laughter catching in his throat. "I can honestly swear that I have _never_ in all my life thought of you – what was it, writhing? - between the sheets whilst beating one off. And that is a solemn promise."

The silence this time was a genuinely amiable one, and Remus was sure that if he were able to see his friend he would see the same grin plastered on his face that he currently had on his own. What Sirius had said before was truer now than he had ever known it to be before: darkness was a blanket of security, making even the most ridiculous and probably inappropriate conversations seem like they were nothing more than a comment to one another on the state of the weather. He let both the quiet and dark envelop him, the warmth of his blankets and the gentle patter of snow on the window soothing him until he finally, _finally_, felt ready to sleep.

A voice came out of the darkness.

"Can I wank yet?"

Remus allowed one last sleepy grin.

"Fuck off, Sirius."

Meanwhile, poor Peter lay frozen in the dark, hoping against all odds that his snores had been believable and wishing he hadn't just heard every word spoken between his two friends. Clearly the sexual tension was reaching its peak.

**X X X**

Hogsmeade ended up being their best visit yet. Remus had managed to sneak off to Zonko's in order to pick up a few presents for the Marauders whilst the others were distracted in Honeydukes, and when he had returned they had all ambled off to The Three Broomsticks for a nice, warm Butterbeer and genial conversation. After a rowdy and highly competitive snowball fight with five fourth-year Ravenclaw's, they had walked slowly back up to the castle filled with excitement about the coming holidays as, for the first time ever, all of them were to be staying for Christmas day.

Neither Remus nor Sirius mentioned their conversation from early that morning, and the atmosphere surrounding them had thankfully not changed a bit. They laughed and joked as they always did, joining in with the other Marauders as if nothing had happened – and, to be fair, nothing _had_ happened. As far as Remus was concerned, their friendship had probably been completely healed after their teasing through the darkness and he was grateful of that more than anything else. Life was frustratingly empty without Sirius on and at his side, and he had no doubt that at Christmas it would have been even more painful to endure without his best friend.

Eventually Christmas Eve snuck up on them all, and soon they were the only ones left in the Gryffindor common room; it seemed that everyone else was headed home for the holiday, and they were finally reigning Kings of Gryffindor Tower. This, unfortunately, also included Lily. Remus tried not to watch as James planted tiny little kisses on her lips throughout the evening, his friend seemingly unable to stop himself, but it was difficult when they were on the sofa opposite him – he had set up a little nest for himself on the floor with cushions and blankets aplenty – and therefore directly in his eyeline. Though he had done a good job of squashing his confusing feelings down since the other night, the approaching full moon made it infinitely more difficult to not think of her when she was always so close to him.

At least, he mused, they were managing to maintain a steady(ish) sort of friendship, which he knew was mostly for the sake of appearances. They had even spent some time alone together the day before, wrapping presents (with a good distance between them) whilst the others snuck down to the kitchens for supplies. He knew without a doubt, though, that with the full moon being only three days away it would be prudent to maintain as much of a distance from her when they were alone as possible.

She looked up at him now, flashing a small smile in his direction as James's fingers twirled through her hair. "You all right, Moony?" She had come to address him as such now, which sort of helped. It made her seem more like one of the gang rather than a separate entity who he very much wanted to do unspeakable things to.

He returned the smile. "Doing great thanks, Lily. Are you missing your family yet?"

She shook her head, her long hair falling over her shoulders. "Not really. I mean, Petunia usually just avoids me, and Mum and Dad spend the whole time trying to push us together so usually it just gets really awkward. It's better here."

"So much better with you here," James said with a smile, tucking her hair behind her ear for her. The movement filled Remus with frustration, so much that he threw himself down onto the cushions and stared up at the ceiling.

Sirius's face suddenly loomed over him.

"Whatcha doing?"

Remus frowned up at him. "Lying down. What are _you_ doing?"

The grin that spread across Sirius's face was the same devastating one that melted girl's hearts everywhere. "Looking at your pretty face."

A squeak sounded from the chair where Peter sat. Remus ignored it.

"D'you mind looking at it from somewhere else? Your breath smells like Butterbeer and Butterscotch Banshee's."

Sirius leaned closer, purposefully breathing deeper and heavier so that the heat and scent drifted irrepressibly across Remus's face. "What, don't you like it?" He grinned. "But it's so _sweet_!"

"Whilst I agree that it's better than your usual odour, I still don't appreciate it in my face. Move or I'll hex you." His lips betrayed him as they twitched into a small smile; quickly he smoothed his expression back into a frown, but a rapid glance at Sirius revealed that he had not smothered it fast enough. Egged on, Sirius leaned down and whispered into Remus's ear:

"Is that a wand in your pocket, or are you just pleased to see me?"

Whether it was the impending full moon, the room lit by nothing more than the fire or his determination not to let Sirius win this time around, he pushed himself up slightly until his own lips were millimetres from his best friend's ear. "Just thought I'd give you some extra material to wank to tonight."

Rearing back and letting out a giant bark of laughter, Sirius punched his friend on the arm and leaned forward, mussing his hair up until it looked very similar to James's usual mop. The frown now completely gone from Remus's face, the lighter-haired boy pushed himself up onto his elbows and punched Sirius right back on the leg, quickly ducking to avoid another hair-mussing and grabbing Sirius's right arm with his right hand and desperately digging with his left hand into the pocket of his jeans so that he could retrieve his wand; Sirius saw through his plan and, laughing, leaned all of his weight onto the arm currently holding him away and used the hand that had been supporting him to reach down past his friend's waist and go for the pocketed wand first -

"STOP!"

Peter's yell cut across them, his face the very picture of horror; the two boys on the floor turned their attention to the rest of the room's inhabitants, seemingly surprised to find that all three of them were staring at them as if they were quite insane – Sirius's eyes darted from their spectators down to Remus beneath him and back again as if suddenly realising something, his face flushing bright red as he rapidly rolled away from Moony and pushed himself up from the floor, a slightly odd grin on his face.

"Sorry, Peter, was that too exciting for you?" Ah, there was that scorn that had been missing for the last few weeks. Sirius's voice was dripping with it as he narrowed his eyes at Peter, who was now flushed an even brighter red than his friend. "I forgot that you like watching this sort of thing -"

"Sirius," Remus cut across him, sitting up and straightening up his clothes, "don't be cruel. Peter probably thought we were actually fighting. Right, Wormtail?"

Relief flooded Peter's face, his eyes flicking between them all. "Y-yes, that... I thought you were fighting... didn't realise..."

James suddenly sat up, his attention diverted elsewhere. "Hey Moony, isn't that your owl at the window?"

All five pairs of eyes now focused on the window in question, every person in the room seemingly grateful for the distraction; sure enough, Oswald was glaring at Remus from outside, yet again completely covered in snow. Remus leapt up from the floor and pushed open the window, letting Oswald fly in and settle on the table nearest to the fire where he would inevitably allow the melted snow to drip everywhere. Everyone but Sirius moved closer to the sodden creature, Remus quickly untying two packages, one rather heavy, so much so that he was surprised the owl had managed to ferry it. The larger of the two was hastily wrapped, both of them with a note attached. With the eyes of everyone on him as he carried the presents back to his little nest (Sirius moving away and sitting moodily on the edge of a chair), he sat down and set down the larger on. He opened the note of the smaller one first, reading it aloud:

_Dear Remus,_

_Merry Christmas! I hope you have a wonderful day and that you manage to stay safe and warm. Wishing you were home with us (but glad you get to spend it with your friends!) and joining us for a sing-song of some late-night carols like we used to._

_Find attached a little something to brighten the rest of your year at Hogwarts!_

_Lots of love,_

_Mum and Dad_

Flushing with slight embarrassment at his mother's nostalgia, he carefully opened the beautifully-wrapped package and found within it, to his surprise and awe, a tiny silver object that looked much like a Muggle lighter. Peter was the first to speak.

"That's a mini Deluminator!"

Remus nodded, slightly dazed. These were expensive, he knew, and couldn't think of how they could have afforded such a thing. "Usually they just send me chocolates..."

"It's beautiful," Lily said quietly, leaning over James's shoulder to get a better look. "I didn't know they did little ones."

"Neither did I." Remus stared down at the little thing, wondering how on earth his parents had found the money for such a thing. "I wonder how -"

"Wait, there's another note in the wrappings – look!" Peter plucked the small white piece of parchment from amidst the rubbish, handing it to Remus. "What does it say?"

Light-brown eyes scanning the writing, he felt unwelcome tears welling up in his eyes.

_Remus,_

_This was given to your father by his father before he passed away to give to you when you were old enough to appreciate it. Your father felt it was time to pass it down to you, in the hopes that it can show you a light in even the deepest of darknesses. We hope so much that you like it and don't mind that we didn't buy you anything. It just seemed the right time to give it to you._

_Merry Christmas._

_Lots of love,_

_Mum and Dad._

He waited until the tears were manageable enough to blink away before he cleared his throat. "It used to be my grandfather's. He... he was always very supportive of me despite my... condition."

Though he did not yet feel brave enough to look anyone in the eye, he felt a hand grasp his shoulder.

"It's a great gift, Remus," James said quietly, shaking him slightly. "A great gift."

"Yeah," Remus replied with a quick sniff, forcing a smile as he gently set the Deluminator aside. "But now I feel bad, I got to open a present and you all have nothing 'til tomorrow!"

Peter piped up from behind James. "What about the big one?"

"The big – oh!" He had forgotten about the other one in the shock of his first gift; what else had his parents given him? He reached for the note on top of it first, tearing it open and taking his time before reading it aloud, a huge grin erupting on his previously serious face:

_Remus,_

_Your mother doesn't know about this one. Don't, under pain of my death should she find out, tell her. Sorry about the terrible wrapping, I'm no good at this sort of thing._

_Have fun with your friends and enjoy maintaining our secret Christmas Eve tradition._

_Dad_

Finally having the slightest inkling of what it might be, Remus tore into the badly wrapped present and, to his delight, was greeted with exactly what he had hoped:

"Firewhiskey! Brilliant!"

Sirius finally stood up from his chair, his moodiness apparently forgotten. "You're kidding me? Your _Dad_ sent you this?!"

Remus grinned up at them all, almost beside himself with joy. "Me and Dad sneak off on Christmas Eve whilst Mum's washing up and have a couple of Firewhiskey's, have done for the last two years. Makes the carol singing so much easier to bear!"

James's mouth dropped open. "He let you drink Firewhiskey when you were thirteen?"

"He's pretty brilliant," Moony admitted, a huge welling up of love erupting in his chest for both his mother and father. "Can't believe he sent me a whole bottle, though!"

"Looks like we've got a fun evening planned, lads and ladette," Sirius said with a cheeky grin, reaching over and pulling the bottle from Remus's hands – on the table next to him there were already five goblets magicked up and ready to go. "Let's get this party started! Merry Christmas!"

"Merry Christmas!" They all cheered.


End file.
